1 Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
“I’ll have a glass of blood,” said one. “I’ll have a glass of
plasma,” said the other. “Okay,” replied the bartender,
“That’ll be one blood and one blood lite.”

2 This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says,
“Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies,
“Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

3 A termite walks into a bar and says, “Is the bar tender here?”

4 A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, “I’m
sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”

5 Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I think I’ve lost
an electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first says,
“Yes, I’m positive.”

6 A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer,” he says. The
bartender promptly serves up a beer. “How much will that be?”
asks the neutron. “For you?” replies the bartender, “No charge.”

7 A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre… so
the barman gave her one!

8 Two donkeys walk into a bar and the first donkey says to the
bartender “I’ll have a pint of Bud please” and the second donkey
says “hee haw, hee haw, he always orders that”

9 Four gays in the bar and only one stool. What do they do?
Turn it over!

10 A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the guy:
“Mate, you’ve got a steering wheel down your pants.” The guy
replies “Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!”

11 A dyslexic walks into a bra…

12 A guy walks into a bar and says “I’m so thirsty I could lick
the sweat off a cow’s balls.”
A guy in the corner says “Moooo!”

13 Two condoms walking past a gay bar. One turns to the other and
says “Wanna go get shit faced?”

14 A baby seal walks into a club…

15 What do you call a basement full of women?
A whine cellar!

16 Two gays walking past the funeral parlour, one says “fancy
popping in and sucking down a couple of cold ones?”

17 A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and
says “two pints please, one for me and one for the road.”

18 Some Bacon and an egg walk into a bar. The bartender stops them
and says “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast in here.”

19 A guy walks into a bar on the moon and says to the bartender
“Hey, there’s no atmosphere in here!”

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both
were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake
and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny, “I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt
you. I’ve been blind since birth; so, I can’t see where I’m going. In
fact, since I’m also an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.”
“It’s quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much
the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never
knewmy mother.
Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out
what you are, so at least you’ll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you’re
covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches;
and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that you must be a bunny.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you,” cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, “maybe I could feel you with my
paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, “Well, you’re
scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no
balls.
I’d say you must be either a politician, an attorney, or possibly
part of upper management.”

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid — who begs to be set free, in
return for granting each of them a wish.

One of the guys just doesn’t believe it, and says, “Okay, if
you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.”

The mermaid says, “Done.”

Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and
analyzing what he’s recited with great insight.

The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, “Triple
my I.Q.”

The mermaid says, “Done.”

The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been
stumping all the great scientists of the world: the
mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends
that he says to the mermaid, “Quintuple my I.Q.”

The mermaid looks at him and says, “You know, I normally
don’t try to change people’s minds when they make a wish, but
I really think you should reconsider.”

The guy says, “Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times
five, and if you don’t do it, I won’t set you free.”

“Please,” the mermaid says, “you don’t know what you’re
asking! It’ll change your entire view on the universe. Won’t
you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?”
But no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having
his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power. Finally, the
mermaid sighs and says, “Done.”

And he turns into a woman.