Because I’m a man, when I lock my keys in the car I will
fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions
that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has
set in.
Because I’m a man, when the car isn’t running very well, I
will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what
I’m looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to
the other, “I used to be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything, I wouldn’t know where
to start.” We will then drink beer.
Because I’m a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring
me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You
NEVER get as sick as I do, so for you this isn’t an issue.
Because I’m a man, when one of our appliances stops working I
will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this
will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets
here and has to put it back together.
Because I’m a man, I must hold the television remote control
in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced,
I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was
able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I’m a man, I don’t think we’re all that lost, and no,
I don’t think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you
listen to a complete stranger — I mean, how could he know
where we’re going?
Because I’m a man, there is no need to ask me what I’m
thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football,
though I have to make up something else when you ask, so
don’t.
Because I’m a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have
your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or
think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her
for mother’s day is okay, I don’t need to see it. And don’t
forget to pick up something for my Mom, too!
Because I’m a man, you don’t have to ask me if I liked the
movie. Chances are, if you’re crying at the end of it, I
didn’t like it.
Because I’m a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to
tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on
the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim
Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave.
Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
Because I’m a man, I think what you’re wearing is fine. I
thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too.
Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it
looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go
now?
Because I’m a man, and this is, after all, the 2000’s, I will
share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the
cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I’ll do
the rest.
This has been a public service message for women, to better
understand the Male Animal.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to
tell the difference.

Now that I’m ‘older (but refuse to grow up), here’s what I’ve
discovered:

ONE- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
TWO- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
THREE- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
FOUR- Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
FIVE- All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
SIX- If all is not lost, where is it?
SEVEN- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
EIGHT- Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
NINE- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
TEN- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
ELEVEN- Accidents in the back seat cause…kids.
TWELVE- It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
THIRTEEN- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re
inthe bathroom.
FOURTEEN- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on
my knees.
FIFTEEN- When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone
decide to play chess?
SIXTEEN- It’s not hard to meet expenses… they’re everywhere.
SEVENTEEN- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
EIGHTEEN- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the
hereafter…
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
NINETEEN- UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT AND
DOUBT IF YOU CAN EITHER

One day, as Jesse Ventura came ashore with his Seal unit, he
kicked a bottle that was sticking out of the sand. The cork
popped loose, and out came a genie who offered to grant Jesse
three wishes.

His first wish was to be a famous star. The genie replied she
was a bit rusty right now but would make him well known as an
actor.

His second request was to be a great athlete. The genie
answered that because of his physical attributes, she would
make him a well known and successful professional wrestler.

Jesse’s third request was that he be elected Governor of
Minnesota.

The genie explained that was probably more than she could
accomplish, as Minnesota was filled with powerful liberal
Democrats, such as the Mondales, the Humphreys, and the
Andersons. She asked him to make another wish

Jesse then wished that Cleveland would win the Super Bowl.

“What year do you want to be Governor?” asked the genie.