On the first day of creation, God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth
(especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could
labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog
might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog
healthy and the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term exam paper:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat), or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof.” Most of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it
expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant thereof.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So, we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore,
no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since, there are more than one of
these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
of change of the volume in Hell, because Boyle’s Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Krissy Jones during
my Freshman year that “it will be a cold night in Hell before I
sleep with you” and take into account the fact that I still have
not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot
be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

This student got the only A.

‘Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money–The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS

And just when I thought that things would get
better, those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny,
who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits.
They want the impossible–Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds.
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo yo’s–NO request for them,
They want computers and robots..they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job..there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year
now you know the reason…..
“I found me a blonde.
I’m going SOUTH for the season!”