10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor’s office include, “Take a left when you
enter the trailer park.”

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is “Gus” from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is “an apple a
day.”

5. Your “primary care physician” is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.

4. “Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges” is not a
typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn’t come in different colors
with little m’s on them.

1. When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

Tax his cow, tax his goat,
Tax his pants, tax his coat,
Tax his crops, tax his work,
Tax his tie, tax his shirt,
Tax his chew, tax his smoke;

Teach him taxes are no joke.
Tax his tractor, tax his mule,
Teach him taxes are a rule.
Tax his oil, tax his gas,
Tax his notes, tax his cash;

Tax him good and let him know
After taxes he has no dough.
If he hollers, tax him more;
Tax him till he’s good and sore.

Tax his coffin, tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these works upon his tomb:
Taxes drove me to my doom:
And after he’s gone he can’t relax;
They’ll still be after inheritance tax!

from George Costanza . . . words
to live by.

1. Never walk down the hall without a document in your
hands.

People with documents in their hands look like hardworking
employees heading for important meetings. People with
nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for
the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hands
look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all,
make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at
night, thus generating the false impression that you
work longer hours than you do.

2. Use computers to look busy.

Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to
the casual observer. You can send and receive personal
e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a
blast without doing anything remotely related to work.
These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the
proponents of the computer revolution would like to
talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get
caught by your boss - and you *will* get caught - your
best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to
use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

3. Messy desk.

Top management can get away with a clean desk. For
the rest of us, it looks like you’re not working hard
enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace.
To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as
today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high
and wide.

If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury
the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing
stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

4. Voice Mail.

Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People
don’t call you just because they want to give you something
for nothing - they call because they want YOU to do
work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your
calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice
mail message for you and it sounds like impending work,
respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not
there - it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious
even though you’re being a devious weasel.

If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming
calls and then returning calls when nobody is there,
this will greatly increase the odds that the caller
will give up or look for a solution that doesn’t involve
you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear
is: “Ignore my last message. I took care of it”. If
your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages
it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently.
One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages.
If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages.
Your callers will hear a recorded message that says,
“Sorry, this mailbox is full” - a sure sign that you
are a hardworking employee in high demand.

5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed.

According to George Costanza, one should also always
try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses
the impression that you are always busy.

6. Appear to Work Late.

Always leave the office late, especially when the boss
is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks
that you always wanted to read but have no time until
late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’
room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly
hours (e.g., 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc…) and during public
holidays.

7. Creative Sighing for Effect.

Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving
the impression that you are very hard pressed.

8. Stacking Strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table.
Put lots of books on the floor etc… Can always borrow
from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

9. Build Vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all
the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in
conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have
to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the
bride, “As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom,
you should say something nice to him.”

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During
the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-
in-law’s arm and said, “No deposit, no return.”

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a
“Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would
only occur on Leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day
off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too. St. Patrick’s Day, however,
would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Garbage would take itself out.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
-Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.”
-Sharon Stone

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet
people
who do.”
-Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s
reading.”
-Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but
he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
-Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the
natural
enemy of a tightrope walker.”
-Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
“Thyroid
problem?”
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you’re in.”
-Courtney Cox (Monica on “Friends”)

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
-Tiger Woods

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive
scrotum!’”
-Patricia Arquette

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty.
Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing
quite well for themselves.”
-Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
-Axel Rose (Guns’n'Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment
turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
-Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
-Jack Nicholson

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out
there.
Type
in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire, and the
computer
will ask, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
-Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does
it take to do the dishes?

Both of them.

What’s the difference between a typical man and E.T.?

E.T. phoned home.

What is the deffinition of crusty?

A grand mother wearing her undies for a week.

At age 4, success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is…having friends.
At age 16, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 20, success is…having sex.
At age 35, success is…having money.
At age 50, success is…having money.
At age 60, success is…having sex.
At age 70, success is…having a driver’s license.
At age 75, success is…having friends.
At age 90, success is…not peeing in your pants.