At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the
bride, “As you give your daughter’s hand to the bridegroom,
you should say something nice to him.”

The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During
the wedding ceremony, he placed the bride’s hand on his son-
in-law’s arm and said, “No deposit, no return.”

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the rear and a
“Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th, so it would
only occur on Leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day
off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too. St. Patrick’s Day, however,
would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Garbage would take itself out.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

“Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.”
-Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.”
-Sharon Stone

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet
people
who do.”
-Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she’s
reading.”
-Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he
lives, but
he
never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
-Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the
natural
enemy of a tightrope walker.”
-Dan Rather (News anchorman)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said,
“Thyroid
problem?”
-Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you’re in.”
-Courtney Cox (Monica on “Friends”)

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black
men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
-Tiger Woods

“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive
scrotum!’”
-Patricia Arquette

“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty.
Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently
doing
quite well for themselves.”
-Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be
devoured by a
Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”
-Axel Rose (Guns’n'Roses)

“Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But
imprisonment
turns
the state into a gay dungeon-master.”
-Rev. Jesse Jackson

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
-Jack Nicholson

“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got millions of pals out
there.
Type
in ‘Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire, and the
computer
will ask, ‘Specify type of goat.’”
-Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)