1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all
you want.

4. When you say, “I love you”, mean it.

5. When you say, “I’m sorry”, look the person in the eye.

6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

7. Believe in love at first sight.

8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams
don’t have much.

9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the
only way to live life completely.

10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

12. Talk slowly but think quickly.

13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile
and ask, “Why do you want to know?”

14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great
risk.

15. Say “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.

16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

17. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

19. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps
to correct it.

20. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in
your voice.

22. Spend some time alone.

23. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

24. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

25. Read more books and watch less TV.

26. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.

27. Trust in God but lock your car.

28. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you
can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

29. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation.
Don’t bring up the past.

30. Read between the lines.

31. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

32. Be gentle with the earth.

33. Pray. There’s immeasurable power in it.

34. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

35. Mind your own business.

36. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when
you kiss.

37. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

38. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others
while you are living. That is wealth’s greatest satisfaction.

39. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke
of luck.

40. Learn the rules then break some.

41. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love
for each other is greater than your need for each other.

42. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get
it.

43. Remember that your character is your destiny.

44. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

* Love means never having to say, “Does that twenty include
the spanking?”

* To truly love another, you must first love yourself. And
it wouldn’t kill you to wash your hands in between either.

* When it becomes a crime to love, you should probably
consider dating outside the family.

* They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and
precious to the recipient. But giving the finger is free,
too, and I find it more personal and sincere.

* We cannot see the future. We cannot change the past. We
can only live in the now with an eye towards gaining
enough power in the future to wreck revenge on everyone
who ever screwed us in the past.

* If Life hands you lemons today, smile and give thanks.
Then when Life isn’t looking, give him a quick knee to
the groin. That’ll learn him.

* Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows
you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail
if you really tried them

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery.
He went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly
monk answered the door, and he said, “My car broke down. Do you
think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him
dinner, even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep,
he heard a strange sound.

The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but
they said, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.

Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same
monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car.
That night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard
years earlier.

The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks
replied, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man said, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. How do
I become a monk?”

The monks replied, “You must travel the Earth and tell us how
many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand
pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”

The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned
and knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, “I have traveled
the Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand
pebbles on the Earth.”

The monks replied, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall
now show you the way to the sound.”

The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk said,
“The sound is right behind that door.”

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said,
“Real funny. may I have the key?” The monks gave him the key,
and he opened the door. Behind the wooden door was another door
made of stone. The man demanded the key to the stone door. The
monks gave him the key, and he opened it, only to find a door
made of ruby. He demanded another key from the monks, who provided
it. Behind that door was another door, this one made of sapphire.
So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver,
topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, “This is the last key to the last door.”

The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the
knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of
that strange sound.

But I can’t tell you what it was because you’re not a monk.

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and
a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much
do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day
off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free
cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
“You’re #1!”.

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to “I love you”.

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the “public ugliness” ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

26. Stuff about tanks and airplanes would be usefull.

27. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

28. Bathroom lines would be 80% shorter

29. Women can open all their own jars.

30. No one cares if you’ve lost or gained weight

31. When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop
on every shot of someone crying.

32. Everyone goes to the bathroom alone.

33. You can leave the hotel room bed unmade.

34. Women can kill their own food.

35. The garage is all yours.

36. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.

37. You laugh while watching “Terms of Endearment”

38. Cleaning the toilet is optional.

39. Women have to be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

40. Wedding plans are not the men’s job.

41. If someone forgets to invite you to something,
they can still be your friend.

42. You don’t have to shave.

43. If you’re 34 and single, so what.

44. Chocolate is just another snack.

45. Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.

46. You never have to worry about other’s feelings.

47. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
for anyone.

48. You can say anything and not worry about what
people think.

49. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

50. You can watch a game in silence for hours without
your wife thinking “He must be mad at me”

51. The remote is yours and yours alone.

52. The occasional well-rendered belch is expected.

53. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash
it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

54. Punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person’s left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world’s eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is “screeched.”
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie “Pulp Fiction” are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple.
12. “Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the
letters “mt”.
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during
a dance.
16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one
syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in “dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula”
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone’s business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank
Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed
to speak.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked
by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. “Stewardesses” is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.
36. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would
have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
37. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas
is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
38. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt
blood 30 feet.
39. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
40. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
41. On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
42. The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
43. It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
44. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath.
45. Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
46. Every time you lick a stamp, you’re consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
47. Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
48. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
49. In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
50. A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
51. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
52. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
53. Polar bears are left handed.
54. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
55. The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a
human jumping the length of a football field.
56. A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head, before it
starves to death.
57. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is
attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the
males head off.
58. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
59. Butterflies taste with their feet.
60. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump. (thankfully)
61. A cat’s urine glows under a blacklight.
62. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
63. Starfishes haven’t got brains.

…now you know everything….You could be a
TEENAGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

I’m just driving this way to piss you off.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Keep honking, I’m reloading.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public

schools.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather … not screaming

and yelling like the passengers in his car.

God must love stupid people, he made so many.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

The train of failure usually runs on the track
of laziness…

Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith
looks up…

Falling down doesn’t make you a failure, but
staying down does…

The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood
its ground…

It is better to be silent and be considered a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt…

The best way to get the last word is to apologize…

The past is history. The future is a mystery. Today
is a gift, that is why they call it the present.
Give thanks for our gift of today…

Success comes in cans; failures comes in can’ts…

Your companions are like the buttons on an elevator.
They will either take you up or take you down…

When God measures a man, he puts the tape around the
heart instead of the head…

Most men forget God all day and ask Him to remember
them at night…

Don’t be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure
is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond…

The cure of crime is not in the electric chair, but
in the high chair…

Life can only be understood by looking backward, but
it must be lived by looking forward…

The heart is the happiest when it beats for others…

Although the tongue weighs very little, few people
are able to hold it…

The hardest secret for a man to keep is his opinion
of himself…

Our children are like mirrors - they reflect our
attitudes in life…

Take care of your character and your reputation will
take care of itself…

A person’s true character is revealed by what he does
when no one else is watching…

People who try to whittle you down are only trying to
reduce you to their size…

People know what you are by what they see, not by what
they hear…

A minute of thought is worth more than an hour of talk…

It isn’t your position that makes you happy or unhappy,
it’s your disposition…

The bridge you burn now may be the one you later have
to cross…

Real friends are those who when you’ve made a fool of
yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanant job…

Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life…

The train of failure usually runs on the track of laziness…

Sorrow looks back. Worry looks around. Faith looks up…

Falling down doesn’t make you a failure, but staying
down does…

The mighty oak was once a little nut that stood its ground…

It is better to be silent and be considered a fool, than
to speak and remove all doubt…

The best way to get the last word is to apologize…

The past is history. The future is a mystery. Today is a
gift, that is why they call it the present. Give thanks
for our gift of today…

Success comes in cans; failures comes in can’ts…

Your companions are like the buttons on an elevator. They
will either take you up or take you down…

When God measures a man, he puts the tape around the heart
instead of the head…

Most men forget God all day and ask Him to remember them at
night…

Don’t be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what
turns a lump of coal into a diamond…

The cure of crime is not in the electric chair, but in the
high chair…

Life can only be understood by looking backward, but it
must be lived by looking forward…

The heart is the happiest when it beats for others…

Although the tongue weighs very little, few people are
able to hold it…

The hardest secret for a man to keep is his opinion of
himself…

Our children are like mirrors - they reflect our
attitudes in life…

Take care of your character and your reputation will
take care of itself…

A person’s true character is revealed by what he does
when no one else is watching…

People who try to whittle you down are only trying to
reduce you to their size…

People know what you are by what they see, not by what
they hear…

A minute of thought is worth more than an hour of talk…

It isn’t your position that makes you happy or unhappy,
it’s your disposition…

The bridge you burn now may be the one you later have to
cross…

Real friends are those who when you’ve made a fool of
yourself, don’t feel you’ve done a permanant job…

Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life…

Subject: Good communications is important

SUBJECT: Update!
DATE: 7/10/00

FROM: hubby@office.com
TO: dawna@homefront.com

Dear Wife….I’m sending you this email to bring up to date on the
events of our family. I tried to talk to you while you were on
your computer, but you just kept telling me that you would
BRB…..whatever that means. So, I decided to send you this email.

Devon is testing for his next black belt this month. He’s the
one you used to bounce on your knee while typing. Remember how he
giggled when he heard the Ut Oh sound? Sorry about him dropping
his peanut butter sandwich on your keyboard. Is it working okay
since I cleaned it up for you? Can you read the letters I tried to
paint back on your keyboard? Most of them had been rubbed off.

Dawna Michelle is having her first baby in January. She said to
thank you for letting her and Brent use your car. She put the keys
back on the key rack underneath the cobwebs where she found them.
In case you’ve forgotten her, she’s the one who has you raise your
feet when she’s running the sweeper.

Duncan is living in Washington DC now. He enjoys working in the
senate. He wanted to know if you would come to visit if we bought
you a laptop to bring along? Do you remember him? He’s the one who
emptied your porta potty for you.

Well, I think that’s about it. I’ll email you again in about 3
months. You take care of yourself honey. We all “miss” you very
much and will see you the next time the power goes off!

Love,
Dennis

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone
Just her and I
Her hair so soft
Her eyes so blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn’t know how
But I tried my best
To place my hand
On her breasts
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when she did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it’s finished
It’s all over now
My first time
Milking a cow!

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive
on to the shoulder. This evidently pissed the driver off enough
that he hung his head out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does
anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of
these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the
bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway so if you just look at
the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new
car every 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32
miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 34 miles is not bumper to bumper. I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number
to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day. Statistically
half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of
their period. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70%
describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s
449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s
98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing. That means that
EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a
lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has
seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day
of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping
her off.