What does Popeye do to keep his favorite tool from rusting?
Sticks it in Olive Oyl.

What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common ?
They both have colored balls.

What do the female reindeer do when Santa takes the male reindeer
out on Christmas Eve?
They go into town, and blow a few bucks.

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face ?
Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They’re right! We do taste like chicken!

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.

Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.

Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

What were Jeffery Dahmer’s last words?
Eat me!

What do you get if you cross a Hell’s Angel with a Jehovah’s Witness?
Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to
fuck off!

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson’s ranch know when it is
bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand…

What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?
Erection day.

Why is a convict, before sentencing, like an inexperienced blonde?
They both know it will be hard, but they don’t know for how long.

Do you ever notice that when you’re driving, anyone
going slower than you is an idiot and everyone
driving faster than you is a maniac?

What’s the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?
A hunter lies in wait while a fisherman waits and lies!

“Look at me,” an overweight woman lamented to her friend.
“When I was 18, I had a figure that wouldn’t quit.”
“What happened?”
“It didn’t quit!”

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE ~ That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE ~ Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE ~ Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE ~ Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses
hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean
that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled
without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never
say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living
under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy,
man!” is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t
groce and hammers don’t ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor
pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or
French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing
rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t
groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t
the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
egetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet
that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim
chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy
are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as
hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out,
and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I
wind up this essay, I end it.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built
the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just
stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn’s crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping
infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt,
delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotion it aroused, with
eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.

A penny for your thoughts, she whispered in his ear.

It’s amazing! he replied. I just can’t see how anybody can make a
crib like that for only $46.50!

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
thumb with a hammer.”

— Marshall Lumsden

“Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of
bastards.”

— R. A. Dickson

10) Getting six hours of sleep is a privilege.

9) The sentence, “Honey, could you take his foot out of my pocket?”
sounds normal.

You are used to doing everything one-handed.

7) The thought of your mother-in-law coming over for a few hours is
a pleasant one.

6) The list of bodily fluids that disgust you has shortened, possibly
to zero.

5) Your idea of romance is hand-holding.

4) You answer the question “How are you?” with “We’re fine.”

3) You decide whether a shirt is wearable not based on sweatiness,
but based on how well the spit-up stains match the shirt’s main
color.

2) You see a slender teenage girl walking down your street, and you
think, “Hey, I wonder if I could interest her in…babysitting?”

And the #1 way to tell that you’re a new dad:

1) It takes you two months to write and send out a simple top-10-style
joke email.

Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?

I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you’re next.

Please don’t make me kill you.

And your point is…

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re ok now.

I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Remember my name - you’ll be screaming it later.

You KNOW you want me.

Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…

Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls,
don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule # 3 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and
one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 4 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take
those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 5 Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we
know how pretty you are?

Rule # 6 Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule # 7 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want
it done — not both.

Rule # 8 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 9 Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do
we.

Rule # 10 Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their chest stared at.

Rule # 11 When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.