CHRISTMAS PARTY MEMO’S
Christmas Party Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1
I’m happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take December 23, starting at noon in
the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue.
No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band
playing traditional carols . . .feel free to sing a long.
And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to
exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Chanukah is an important holiday that often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However,
from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The
same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at
this time. Happy now?
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member
of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table . . .
you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that
December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating, and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how
a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our
Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days
are so short this time of year-or else package everything
for take-home in little foil swans.
Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women will get the table closest to the rest rooms.
Did I miss anything?
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads?
Fire regulations at Luigi’s prohibit the burning of sage
by our “earth-based Goddess-worshipping” employees,
but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming
circle during the band’s breaks. Okay???
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
Date: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having
our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram
of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan,” there is no evil
connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.”
It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or
family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts
on Valentine’s Day.
Could we lighten up?
————————————————————-
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!!
We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit
Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,”
as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your
#$%^&*! Salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes…
but you know, they have feelings, too.
Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard
them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!
————————————————————-
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis
a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to
her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has
decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone
the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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