‘Real’ classified ads (and headlines) that were spotted:

ALZHEIMER’S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
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GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
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OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON — FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
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KELLOGG’S POT TARTS - $1.99 box
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FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN - $2.09 lb.
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TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
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EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
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JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.