Funny Jokes

Choose the Right Club

sahil — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:08:32 +0000

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently throught the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here.”

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, “What’s the matter Ben?”

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

I’m much too young to die!

sahil — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:08:07 +0000

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. “I’m much too young to die! I’m only 35!”

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.

After investigating, he told the attorney, “I’m afraid that there is no mistake my son…

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you’ve billed to your clients, and according to that, you’re at least 108 years old!”

Not a TV its a microwave

sahil — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:07:30 +0000

One day a blonde walked into a store and said
“I`d like to buy that TV.”
The salesman said “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”
The blonde went home and dyed her hair red. She went back to
the store and said “I抎 like to buy that TV.”
“Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.” The man replied again.
She went and dyed her hair black, then returned to the store
and said “I抎 like to buy that TV.”
Again the man said “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”
The blonde finally asks “How did you know I was a blonde?”
The man said “Because that抯 not a TV its a microwave.”

Miner visits bar

sahil — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:07:14 +0000

A miner comes out of the hills, enters a bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he asks the bartender, “Hey, where抮e all the

Women?”

The Barman replies, “Isn抰 no women here, not far a long time?

“Well what do y抋ll do?”

“We do it with the animals.”

Thoroughly disgusted, he ordered another drink and headed back to the hills.

Months later, same story… After downing too many whiskeys he asked the bartender, “You抮e sure you do it with the animals?”

“Yes, we do, sir”

Hearing this, he raced into the street and saw a pig run into an alley. He chased after it and started having his way with

It, the pig squealing. After a while he heard a noise behind him. He turned to look and saw half the town, horrified.

The bartender was in front and said, “My God, man, what are you doing?”

“I thought you said you all did it with the animals.”

You Might Be A Redneck…Bambi

sahil — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:06:55 +0000

You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!

The Fishing Groom

sahil — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:05:11 +0000

A man and his newlywed check into a mountain resort by a lake. The desk clerk notices the “Just Married” sign still on the car. As soon as the man gets the luggage out of the car, he hops in a boat to go fishing.

He is out all day, comes back for a quick supper, picks up his lantern and goes back out at night. This goes on for a couple of days when the man happens to stop by the desk. The clerk starts a conversation with the man and mentions his behavior.

“I know it’s none of my business, but I was wondering why you weren’t having sex with your new wife.”

“Oh, I couldn’t do that; she has gonorrhea.”

“Well, what about anal sex?”

“Couldn’t do that; she has diarrhea.”

“There is always oral sex.”

“Nope, she has pyorrhea.”

“Wait a second. If she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and pyorrhea, why did you marry her?”

“That’s easy. She also has worms, and I love to fish!”

Donation From a Lawyer

sahil — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:03:15 +0000

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident?” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “Leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said
simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

50 Comments by Blondes During Sex

sahil — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:02:58 +0000

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (In the back seat of a car) and they say romance is dead…
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time. Right? Person 2: Yeah.. Today.
12. (In the No Tell Motel) hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.
17. And to think I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you’re as good- looking when I’m sober…
21. (Holding a banana) It’s just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will you!
24. You look younger than you feel..
25. Got any penicillin?.
27. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (In a manage a trios) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You’re good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don’t know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
47. No, really… I do this part better myself!
48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I don’t have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people.
50. You’re almost as good as my ex!

Are You From Ireland?

sahil — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:02:36 +0000

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.”

The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!”

The first guy says, “So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?”

The other guy answers, “I’m from Dublin, I am.”

The first guy responds, “Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?”

The other guy says, “A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.”

The first guy says, “Faith & it’s a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?”

The other guy answers, “Well now, I went to St. Mary’s of course.”

The first guy gets really excited, and says, “And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

The other guy answers, “Well, now, I graduated in 1964.”

The first guy exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self.”

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Two tigers

sahil — Sun, 11 May 2008 05:01:46 +0000

Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, “Hey! Cut it out, all right!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, “I said stop it!”
The rear tiger says, “sorry,” and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, “What is it with you, anyway?”
The rear tiger replies, “Well, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth!”