A new computer virus is spreading throughout the Internet, and it
is far more insidious than last week’s Chernobyl menace. Named
Strunkenwhite after the authors of a classic guide to writing,
it returns e-mail messages that have grammatical or spelling errors.
It is deadly accurate in its detection abilities, unlike the dubious
spell checkers that come with word processing programs.

The virus is causing something akin to panic throughout corporate
America, which has become used to the typos, misspellings, missing
words and mangled syntax so acceptable in cyberspace. The CEO of
LoseItAll.com, an Internet startup, said the virus has rendered
him helpless. “Each time I tried to send one particular e-mail
this morning, I got back this error message: ‘Your dependent clause
preceding your independent clause must be set off by commas, but
one must not precede the conjunction.’ I threw my laptop across
the room.”

A top executive at a telecommunications and long-distance company,
10-10-10-10-10-10-123, said: “This morning, the same damned e-mail
kept coming back to me with a pesky notation claiming I needed to
use a pronoun’s possessive case before a gerund. With the number
of e-mails I crank out each day, who has time for proper grammar?
Whoever created this virus should have their programming fingers
broken.”

A broker at Begg, Barow and Steel said he couldn’t return to the
“bad, old” days when he had to send paper memos in proper English.
He speculated that the hacker who created Strunkenwhite was a
“disgruntled English major who couldn’t make it on a trading floor.
When you’re buying and selling on margin, I don’t think it’s anybody’s
business if I write that ‘i meetinged through the morning, then
cinched the deal on the cel phone while bareling down the xway.’ ”

If Strunkenwhite makes e-mailing impossible, it could mean the end
to a communication revolution once hailed as a significant timesaver.
A study of 1,254 office workers in Leonia, N.J., found that e-mail
increased employees’ productivity by 1.8 hours a day because they
took less time to formulate their thoughts. (The same study also
found that they lost 2.2 hours of productivity because they were
e-mailing so many jokes to their spouses, parents, and stockbrokers.)

Strunkenwhite is particularly difficult to detect because it doesn’t
come as an e-mail attachment (which requires the recipient to open
it before it becomes active). Instead, it is disguised within the
text of an e-mail entitled “Congratulations on your pay raise.” The
message asks the recipient to “click here to find out about how your
raise effects your pension.” The use of “effects” rather than the
grammatically correct “affects” appears to be an inside joke from
Strunkenwhite’s mischievous creator.

The virus also has left government e-mail systems in disarray.
Officials at the Office of Management and Budget can no longer
transmit electronic versions of federal regulations because their
highly technical language seems to run afoul of Strunkenwhite’s
dictum that “vigorous writing is concise.” The White House
speechwriting office reported that it had received the same message,
along with a caution to avoid phrases such as “the truth is… ”
and “in fact….”

Home computer users also are reporting snafus, although an e-mailer
who used the word “snafu” said she had come to regret it. The virus
can have an even more devastating impact if it infects an entire
network. A cable news operation was forced to shut down its computer
system for several hours when it discovered that Strunkenwhite had
somehow infiltrated its TelePrompTer software, delaying newscasts
and leaving news anchors nearly tongue-tied as they wrestled with
proper sentence structure.

There is concern among law enforcement officials that Strunkenwhite
is a harbinger of the increasingly sophisticated methods hackers are
using to exploit the vulnerability of business’s reliance on computers.
“This is one of the most complex and invasive examples of computer
code we have ever encountered. We just can’t imagine what kind of
devious mind would want to tamper with e-mails to create this burden
on communications,” said an FBI agent who insisted on speaking via
the telephone out of concern that trying to e-mail his comments could
leave him tied up for hours.