Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal,
pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When
forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a
dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a
Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes,
piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.
Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom.
Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.