The following “memo” — apparently by some staff prankster
– was faxed to the Medical Records Department of a Spokane
hospital.

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff
FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper
SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide
security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber
revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12
rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to
routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet
will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will
now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit
secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and
security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial
duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be
fed will need to let their families know to bring something,
or may make arrangements with Subway, Domino’s, etc., before
meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in
the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other
calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops
will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus
providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean
environment. Family-members and friends of patients and
ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of
non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final
bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the “FROM” line above, administration is
assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot
be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that
you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower,
weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed
to the TIME-LIFE “How to…” series of maintenance books.
These books can be checked out from administration, and a
toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We
will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every
other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it
as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by
only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are
already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the
two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround
time required by Eckerd’s photo lab. Two prints will be
provided for the price of one, and physicians are being
advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want
extra sets. Eckerd’s will also honor competitors’ coupons
for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if
you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them
to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the
electric company has been asked to install individual meters
in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical
consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans
will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift
shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the
collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided
on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining
employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce.
The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy
for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
will also be available for purchase through the hospital
pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only
antibiotics listed on the HMOs’ formulary.