1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and
a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much
do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would
only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day
off to go drinking. Mother’s Day too.

5. St. Patrick’s Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and
pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle”.

9. Instead of “beer-belly”, you’d get “beer-biceps”.

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words…”Ally McNaked”.

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place.”
Cop: “Nice one, That’s $10.00 off”.

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free
cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as
you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said
“You’re #1!”.

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of
the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an
acceptable response to “I love you”.

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. “Sorry I’m late, but I got wasted last night”, would be an
acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would
jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a
brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the “public ugliness” ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

26. Stuff about tanks and airplanes would be usefull.

27. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase

28. Bathroom lines would be 80% shorter

29. Women can open all their own jars.

30. No one cares if you’ve lost or gained weight

31. When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop
on every shot of someone crying.

32. Everyone goes to the bathroom alone.

33. You can leave the hotel room bed unmade.

34. Women can kill their own food.

35. The garage is all yours.

36. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.

37. You laugh while watching “Terms of Endearment”

38. Cleaning the toilet is optional.

39. Women have to be showered and ready in 10 minutes.

40. Wedding plans are not the men’s job.

41. If someone forgets to invite you to something,
they can still be your friend.

42. You don’t have to shave.

43. If you’re 34 and single, so what.

44. Chocolate is just another snack.

45. Flowers and/or Duct Tape fix everything.

46. You never have to worry about other’s feelings.

47. Three pair of shoes are more than enough
for anyone.

48. You can say anything and not worry about what
people think.

49. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.

50. You can watch a game in silence for hours without
your wife thinking “He must be mad at me”

51. The remote is yours and yours alone.

52. The occasional well-rendered belch is expected.

53. If something mechanical didn’t work, you can bash
it with a hammer and throw it across the room.

54. Punting that small, ankle-biting dog is funny.