Did you hear about the Irishman that sunk a prison ship?
He was trying to escape by tunnelling his way out!

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the
city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all
over the road. A cop pulls him over. “So,” says the cop to the
driver, “where have you been?” “Why, I’ve been to the pub of
course,” slurs the drunk. “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like
you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening”. “I did all right,”
the drunk says with a smile. “Did you know,” says the cop,
standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that
a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?” “Oh,
thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought
I’d gone deaf.”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend
says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed
and they weren’t mine.’ His second friend says: ‘I think my wife
is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a
wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’ Paddy says: ‘I think
my wife is having an affair with a horse.’ Both his friends look
at him with utter disbelief. ‘No I’m serious. The other day I
came home and found a jockey under our bed.’

Did you hear about the Irishman who walked around the world?
- He drowned.

How can you can spot the Irishman at the airport?
- He’s the one throwing bread to the planes.

How do you confuse an Irishman?
- Put 3 shovels in a corner and tell him to take his pick.

Where does an Irish family go for vacation?
A different bar.

A man sitting at the bar announces, “If anyone can drink 20 pints
of Guinness, I will not only pay for it, but I’ll have lay a bet
down for five hundred dollars.” The bartender pours the 20 pints
and lines them up at the bar. The Irish man sitting next to him
gets up and leaves. He looks around, and no one is taking his
challenge. All of a sudden the Irish man who left, returns to the
bar and announces proudly that he can drink all 20 pints. So he
does. The man is amazed and gives him the money. Then he asks
where he went. “Well, I had to go to the bar next door and be
sure I could do it first”

Paddy got a job on the road works. I want you to paint the white
lines down this new road, said the Boss. At the end of the first
day Paddy comes back. “How far have you done?” the Boss asks
“two miles!” replies paddy, and the boss seems pleased. On the
next day back at the office, again the Boss asks paddy how far
he had done? “One mile.” Replied paddy and the Boss seemed a bit
annoyed. The third day the Boss asks him again. “Half a mile!”
replies Paddy “What’s wrong asks the Boss?” It’s getting a long
way to dip the paint brush in the bucket,” replies Paddy.

The fire brigade are called out to a tall building, On top of the
building was Paddy. They opened their safety net and told Paddy
to jump. “No” said Paddy “I am not going to jump.” “You have got
to yelled” the fireman, “there is no way we can get up there to
you.” “No! I don’t trust you to hold the net still, it might move.
Just lay it on the floor and then I’ll Jump!”

Two Irishmen are having a race to the top of the hill; The first
one says “If I get to the top of the hill first I’m going to
write my name on that tree at the top”. So the second one says,
“If I get to the top first I’m going to rub it out”.

Paddy was picked up on a charge of indecent exposure for flashing
and old lady. He was placed in a line-up with ten other fellows
and the accusing old lady was escorted into the room. All of a
sudden Paddy jumped forward, and screamed, “That’s her! That’s
her! I would recognize her anywhere!”

Paddy goes up to the big house Knocks on the door and asks have
you any jobs for me? The lady of the house says yes, you can paint
my porch. In the garage you will find a tin of white paint, go
and fetch it and I will pay you when you have finished. Paddy
returns in about an hour and knocks on the door again. Have you
finished asks the lady. Yes I have, but it was not a Porsche it
was a Mercedes!

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman in front of a firing squad.
Englishman says’s I have been in this situation before, we must
try and distract them and jump over this wall behind us. All of
a sudden the Englishman shouts “EARHQUAKE” and the Germans turn
around, with this he’s over the wall and running. The Scotsman
decides that was a good plan and shouts “FLOOD,” again the
Germans turn round and he runs off. So the Irishman is standing
there all by himself thinks ‘if they can do it, so can I’ and
shouts “FIRE!”

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to
the exotic bird section. Mick says to Pat “That’s them”. The
clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. “Yea, we’ll take
four of those birds in that cage up there” says Mick, “Put them
in a paper bag”. The clerk does and the two guys leave the shop.
They get into Mick’s van and drive for two hours until they are
high up in the hills and stop at the face of a cliff with a
500-foot drop. “This look like a good place, eh?” says Mick.
“Oh yes, this looks good” replies Pat. They flip a coin and
Mick wins the toss. “I guess I get to go first, ” says Mick.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Pat watches as his mate
drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds
followed by a “SPLAT”. As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes
his head and says. “This budgie jumping is far too dangerous
for me!”