The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

Remember, half the people in the world are below average.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with,
“Quit while you’re ahead”?

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of
portraits by Picasso.

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn’t live there?

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says “It’s only a game,” when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t zigzag?