LAWYER JOKES….
Do you know why California is overpopulated with lawyers and
New Jersey has too many toxic waste dumps?
- New Jersey had first choice.
If you needed a heart transplant, why would you want one from a
lawyer?
- Because it’s hardly been used.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
- One’s a scum sucking bottom feeder, and the other one’s a fish!
Two guys were walking home from a pub. On their way, they walked
through a cemetery. The first guy happened to glance at a gravestone.
It read… “Here lies Tom, a lawyer and an honest man.” The first
guy said to the second guy… “Hey John, there’s three people in
this grave.”
What do you call 1000 lawyers chained together under the sea?
- A good start.
At the height of happy hour, a drunk stood up and yelled, “All
lawyers are assholes”. “Hey, I resent that,” a guy at the bar
yelled back. “Why?” the first guy asked, “are you a lawyer?”.
“No, I’m an asshole”.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
- Your honor.
What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
- Senator.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
- You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
- The tick stops draining you and drops off after you’re dead.
Why can’t you circumcise lawyers?
- There’s no end to those pricks.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
- Depends on how thin you slice them.
Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
- Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
- Not enough sand.
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
- Shoot him.
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
- Never enough.
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
- No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
- One doesn’t think he’s the other.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
- To get to the car accident on the other side.
What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
- Both have about a one in 20 billion chance of becoming a human being.
What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
- Their personalities.
If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn’t that cannibalism?
Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps?
- Because people couldn’t tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
- You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if
you’d been there eight hours.
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
- About three pounds, including the urn.
A man with an alligator walked into a bar and asked the bartender,
“do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes,” he said. “Good, give me a
beer, and my gator’ll have an lawyer!”
Why don’t lawyers sleep with their clients?
- Because it would be highly unethical to bill their clients twice
for the same service.
You are in a room with a pedophile, a serial rapist, and a lawyer.
You have a gun but only two bullets. Who do you shoot?
- You shoot the lawyer twice, and then pistol whip the son of a
bitch until you’re sure he’s dead.
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