How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- Twenty, one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink beer till
the room spins.

How can you tell if the stage is level?
- The drool comes out of both sides of the drummer’s mouth.

Did you hear about the guitarist who locked his keys in his car?
- He couldn’t get the drummer out.

Why does a drummer have 10 points higher I.Q. than a horse?
- So he doesn’t shit in the middle of the parade!

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
- Homeless!

What’s the best way to confuse a drummer?
- Put a sheet of music in front of him.

Why do bands need Roadies?
- To translate what the drummer says.

What’s the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
- You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once!

How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, so long as a roadie gets the ladder, sets it up and
puts the bulb in the socket for him.

A drummer, tired from being ridiculed by his peers, decided to
learn how to play some “real” musical instruments. He went to a
music store, walked in, approached the store clerk, and said,
“I’ll take that red trumpet over there and that accordian.” The
store clerk looked at him a bit funny, and replied “OK, you can
have the fire extinguisher but the radiator’s got to stay.”

A young boy says to his mother “I want to be a drummer when I
grow up!” to which his mother replies “But Johnny, you can’t
do both. ”

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
- A drummer.

What’s the last thing a drummer says in a band?
- “Hey, guys, why don’t we try one of my songs?”

What did the professional drummer say when he got to his job?
- “Would you like fries with that?”

A player in an orchestra forgot the time of their next
performance, so he rang the conductors office and asked to
speak to the conductor. He was told that he had passed away
earlier. He hung up, considered this for a few minutes, then
rang again. He got the same reply. After the fifteenth time,
he got the reply, “Look, he’s dead! Why the hell do you keep
ringing us?.” The musician replied, “I just like to hear you
say it.”

Band Director on phone: “Doctor, Doctor, what do I do ? My
oboe player just swallowed her reed! Doctor: “Well…use a
muted trumpet.”

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for
directions:
an in-tune tenor sax player,
an out-of-tune tenor sax player,
or Santa Claus?
- The out-of-tune tenor sax player. Meeting the other two means
you’re hallucinating.

An orchestra was rehearsing a contemporary symphony in which
there was a particularly difficult jazz trumpet riff. However,
none of the trumpet players could play it. One trumpet player
suggests they hire in a jazz trumpeter. The conductor screams,
“NO, NO, NO!! Jazz musicians are irresponsible, can’t play in
tune, and are not real musicians!!” Finally, they talk him into
it. The next night at 7:57 (for an 8:00 rehearsal) the jazz
musician shows up carrying his trumpet in a paper bag. The
conductor decides to wait until after to yell at him. But the
jazz-man plays the riff perfectly the first time. The conductor
tries to thank him after rehearsal, but the cat is gone. The
next couple of rehearsals go pretty much the same way, with
the cat actually playing the entire first trumpet part -
perfectly. Finally, the conductor grabs him after rehearsal
and says, “You know, at first I didn’t want to hire you because
I thought jazz musicians were irresponsible and couldn’t play
in tune, but I must say you have changed my mind. Thank you.”
The jazz-man says, “Well, cat, I figure it’s the least I could
do since I can’t make the gig.”

How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
- Four. One to change it and the other three discussing how
Dizzy Gillespie would have done it.

While an orchestra was playing Tschaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet
overture, an elderly man in the audience wept and wept. “You
must be an incurable romantic,” said the woman seated next to
him. “No,” he said, “I’m a musician.”

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
- Put music in front of him.

There was a bar with a sign that read “Pianist Wanted.” So this
guy walks in there and says I’m here for the pianist job. The
owner says well play us a tune and if you’re good enough then
you’ve got the job. So he sits down and plays a song that nearly
puts the owner in tears. “Oh, what a great song! What’s it
called?” the manager asks. “It’s called, the dog with 2 dicks
and my wife’s doin my brother!” “Um, that’s strange but, play
us one more tune.” So the man plays another tune and this time
the manager breaks down with tears. “What do you call that song?”
he sheepishly asks. “The frog takin a shit and the camel with
3 humps!” he replies. The manager told him that he had the job
on one condition. He must not tell the customers the names of
the songs he is playing. He started that playing that night.
After every song he would get a standing ovation. After about
2 hours he stood up and said “Ladies and gentlemen I’m going to
take a quick break ad I will return in a few moments.” So he
ducked into the toilets to take a slash. On his way out a man
passing said ” Hey mate, do you know your zips undone and your
cocks hangin out.” “know it” he replied “I wrote it!”

Why are violins smaller than violas?
- They’re not really, it’s just that violinists’ heads are bigger.