SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through
your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your
share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However,we require at least two
weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.
REST ROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10,
employees who names being with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so
on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to
wait until the next day when your time comes again.
In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker.
Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet
paper roll will retract, and the stall door open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees
better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount
Gross pay $1,222.02
Income tax $244.40
Outgo tax $45.21
State tax $11.61
Interstate tax $61.10
County tax $6.11
City tax $12.22
Rural tax $4.44
Back tax $1.11
Front tax $1.16
Side tax $1.61
Up tax $2.22
Down tax $1.11
Tic-Tacs $1.98
Thumbtacks $3.93
Carpet tacks $0.98
Stadium tax $0.69
Flat tax $8.32
Surtax $3.46
Corporate tax $2.60
Parking fee $5.00
F.I.C.A. $81.88
T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95
Life insurance $5.85
Health insurance $16.23
Dental insurance $4.50
Mental insurance $4.33
Reassurance $0.11
Disability $2.50
Ability $0.25
Liability $3.41
Unreliability $10.99
Coffee $6.85
Coffee Cups $66.51
Floor rental $16.85
Chair rental $0.32
Desk rental $4.32
Union dues $5.85
Union donts $3.77
Cash advance $0.69
Cash retreats $121.35
Overtime $1.26
Undertime $54.83
Eastern time $9.00
Central time $8.00
Mountain time $7.00
Pacific time $6.00
Time Out $12.21
Oxygen $10.02
Water $16.54
Heat $51.42
Cool air $26.83
Hot air $20.00
Miscellaneous $113.29
Sundry $12.09
Various $8.01
_______
NET TAKE HOME PAY $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input
should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week