Dear Manager….

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 pm and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minuites
to inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or ever better, hover
behind me, advising me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives
me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t
open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a
paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case
I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is the
priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have
nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it
could mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be
popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down.
In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing
me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no right to
know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When
you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job i’m doing for you could really
change your life and send you straight to manager’s hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s
nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the
story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus cheque you
received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD
have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of
living increase. I’m not here for the mony anyway.