Short Free Jokes & Funny Pictures

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”

When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.

“Did you follow my instructions? ”

The blonde nods.

“I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”

“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.

“No, from all that skipping.”

A woman goes into a bar, looks into her top pocket and orders a drink.
Later, the bartender asked if she would like another drink. She looks into her top pocket, then says, “Sure, better bring me another one.”

After she had finished, the bartender asked her if she wanted another one. Once again, she looks into her top pocket and says, “Yep, gonna need another one.”

Finally, the bartender says, “Every time I ask if you want a drink, you look into your pocket before answering. What’s going on?”

The woman says, “Well, I have a picture of my husband in there. As soon as he starts looking good, I’m going home.”

A blonde walks into a store and says ” How much for that TV” and the salesman says ” We don’t sell things to blondes.” So she goes home.

The next day she comes back and says ” How much for that TV” and the salesman says ” We don’t sell things to blondes.” So that night she dyes her hair brown.

The third day she goes back and says “How much for that TV” and the salesman says ” We don’t sell things to blondes.” Then she says ” How did you know I was a blonde?”

And the salesman says “Because thats a microwave!”

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.” Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my sister!”

A builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said “I want this room to be painted a light blue.”

The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be brown.

The builder went to the front door and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!”

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him “I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; whats that for?

The builder said, “Oh don’t worry about that, I got a couple of blondes laying the turf out front.”