Short Free Jokes & Funny Pictures

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit
down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first,
but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed swine, ” retorted the lady indignantly.
“In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man.
“Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda
how to spella Mississippi.”

One morning a milkman called on one of his regular
customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet
with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room.
The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night
before in which the company played “Who’s Whose” –
each of the men had put their equipment through the hole
and the women tried to guess their identity.

“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the milkman. “Sure wish
I’d been there.”

“You should have been,” said the housewife. “Your name
came up three times”.

Roland was wandering lost in a village when
he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the
door he was greeted by an old oriental man
with a long grey beard. “I’m lost,” said Roland,
“Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the old oriental man replied, “but,
on one condition. If you were to lay a finger on
my daughter, I will inflict upon you, the three
worst Chinese tortures known to mankind.”

“Okay” said the traveler, thinking that the
daughter must be pretty old as well. Over dinner
the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,
beautiful and had a fantastic body. She was
obviously attracted to the young man as she
couldn’t keep her eyes off of him during the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her
and went upstairs to his bed alone. During the night,
he could bear it no longer and snuck into her bedroom
for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything
quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn, he crept
back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

When he woke up, he felt a great pressure on his chest.
Opening his eyes, he saw a large rock sitting on his chest.
Attached to the rock was a note that read:

“Chinese Torture #1: Large Rock on Chest.”
“Well that’s pretty lame,” the man thought. “If that’s the
best the old man can do, then I don’t have much to worry
about.” He took the rock from his chest and walked over to
the window and threw the boulder out. As he did, he noticed
a second note attached to the window:

“Chinese torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic, he glanced down and saw the rope was already
getting close to taut! Figuring that a few broken bones was
better than castration, he jumped out the window after the
boulder. As he plummeted towards the ground, he saw a
large sign on the ground that read:

“Chinese Torture #3: Right testicle tied to bed post!”

Two old men go to an escort service house.
The madam asks them what they want. They
say women. She asks, “How old are you?”
They say 90.

So she tells one of the girls to take them
upstairs and put each of them in a room with
a blow up doll. So they go upstairs and do
their thing.

When they come back downstairs the first old
man asks the other “How was it?” The other
one says “I think she was dead, she just layed
there, how was yours?”

“I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch?”

“Yeah, I bit her on the tit, she farted and flew
out the window.”

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he’d
like to have a pet he can get along with. So, he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud,
“Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

“I was born this way,” says the parrot. “I’m a defective parrot.”

“Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood
what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird.”

“Yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar,
kind of like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy
me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. “$200!” He says, “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.

“Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20 just
make an offer.”

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal,
he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is
delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says,
“Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the
cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot,
“but it’s about your wife and the mailman.”

“What?” says the guy.

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” Asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and
began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“Oh No!” the guy says, “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look
at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down…”

The parrot pauses for a long time. “What happened? What happened?” says
the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “I fell off my perch.”