A man walked into his backyard in a residential neighborhood one
morning. He saw a 600 pound Gorilla sitting in his tree. He telephoned
an emergency Gorilla Removal Service, and shortly a technician arrived
with a stick, a pair of hand cuffs, a tiny Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

“Now listen carefully”, he told the homeowner. “I am going to climb
the tree, and poke the Gorilla with this stick, until he falls to the
ground. My trained Chihuahua will go right for the Gorilla’s testicles,
and when the Gorilla instinctively crosses his hands over his testicles
to protect himself, you slap on the hand cuffs without delay.”

“OK… got it,” the homeowner replied. “But what is the shotgun for?”

Said the technician… “If I should fall out of the tree before the
Gorilla… SHOOT the Chihuahua!!!”

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every
aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive 2000, a
suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft
has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play.
It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in
penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus
protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation
of human beings.

The Contraceptive 2000 suite consists of three products: Condom 2000,
DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).
A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package.

The suite also comes in two expanded versions.

Contraceptive 2000 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for
professionals in the sexual services sector.

Contraceptive 2000 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups,
aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive 2000 does not address non-traditional copulatory
channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be
known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION - Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install
the package. At installation, the Condom 2000 software checks for
minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product
installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After
installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must
have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is
complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message,
It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS - Usability testers report that frequent failures were a
majorconcern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the
most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs,
but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be
installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION - Contraceptive 2000 is a robust product. Despite its
drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag,
and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future
releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality,
such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard
Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive 2000’s
potential. He recently said, “Our contraceptive products will
help users do to each other what we’ve been doing to our customers
for years.”

A young woman had entered her dog in the dog show in the smooth-haired
breed category. To give it an advantage, she went to the chemist for
some hair remover.

The chemist gave her the product requested and advised, “Just remember
to keep your arms up for at least five minutes”

“It’s for my Chihuahua.”

“Oh well, in that case,” said the chemist, “Don’t ride a bike for
twenty minutes.”