Short Free Jokes & Funny Pictures

A blonde decides to show her husband that despite what everyone says, blondes really are smart.

While her husband is at work, she decides that she is going to paint the living room in their house. So the next day as soon as he leaves, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home after work and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a mink. He asks her what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the room.

He says that he was impressed at the good job she had done, but what’s with her wearing the two coats?

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said, ”FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!”

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No. What did that stupid shit do this time?” says the patron.

“Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole” says the bartender.

“Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he’s been driving me nuts” says the patron.

The guy finishes his drink and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“What now?” responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it” says the bartender.

“Well, what do you expect?” replied the patron. “Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!”

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.”

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. “Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn”.

She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

The World Health Organisation (WHO) has just issued an urgent warning about BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome). A newly identified problem has spread rapidly throughout the world. The disease, identified as BARS (Beer & Alcohol Requirement Syndrome) affects people of many different ages. Believed to have started in Ireland around 1500 BC, the disease is said to affect people who gather in Pubs and Taverns or who plainly congregate for different reasons. It is not known how the disease is transmitted but approximately three billion people world-wide are affected, with thousands of new cases appearing every day.
Early symptoms of the disease include an uncontrollable urge at 6:00pm to consume a beer or alcoholic beverage. This urge is mostly felt on Fridays. More advanced symptoms of the disease include talking loudly, singing off-key, aggression, heightened sexual attraction/confidence, uncalled for laughter, uncontrollable dancing and unprovoked and/or relentless arguing.

In the final stages of the disease, victims are often cross-eyed, and speak incoherently. Vomiting, loss of memory, loss of balance, loss of clothing and loss of virginity can also occur. Sometimes death ensue usually accompanied by the victim shouting, “Hey Fred, bet you can’t this!” or “Wanna see how fast it goes??”

If you develop any of these symptoms, it is important that you quarantine yourself in a pub with fellow victims until last call or the symptoms have passed. Sadly, it is reported that the disease can reappear at very short notice or at the latest, on the following Friday.

Side effects for survivors include bruising, broken limbs, lost property, killer headaches and divorce.

On the up side, there is not and probably never will be, a permanent cure.

Charlie went to a movie the other evening and sat in an aisle seat as he usually does because it feels roomier to him. He’s sitting there with his big tub of popcorn and 32oz Coke and the feature is about to start. Just then, a big heavy-set blond seated in the very center of the row gets up and starts working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, oops, excuse me”…. etc.

She gets to Charlie, who’s more than a bit annoyed at having to shift all his stuff out of the way and with the show about to start. So, he speaks up, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier!?”

“No” Blondie whispered loudly. “That TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE message just flashed on the screen…”

“And, mine’s out in the car.”