Two drunks are in a tavern sitting at the bar, staring into their drinks.
One gets a curious look on his face and asks, “Hey, Pete, you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”
“Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years!”
Puzzled Blonde
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster”.
He then takes her hand and says…”Secondly, he said with a deep sigh … “Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Buy The Ballarina a Drink!
A very large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed, dissipated drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “I say, old chap, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”
Blonde Oral
Three lady friends always meet for lunch on Thursdays.
One Thursday Anne says, “There’s this thing, when I go down on my John , his balls are always cold.”
Funny you should say that”, says Mary. “my Franks balls are always cold too”.
“EEAUUWWWWWWGHHHHHH” says Nancy, “that’s disgusting. How can you both do that?”
So her friends tell Nancy that the blow job is the best way to keep her man from straying.
The following Thursday Anne and Mary are in the restaurant waiting for their friend to arrive. In walks Nancy with a huge black eye.
What happened to you”? ask her two friends.
“Mike hit me”. came the reply.
” Why?” ask the girls.
“I don’t know”, says Nancy , “I was giving him the blow job like you told me to, and all I said was, your balls aren’t cold like Frank’s and John ‘s.”
You Guys Got Lucky
Three pals are in a bar somewhere in Manhattan having a drink. There’s an American, a German and a Frenchman. They get a bit loaded and come up with the brilliant idea of investing some of their hard earned money into the State Lottery. “But how doo vie deterrmeene zie noomberrs,” says the German? They all give it some thought and the American, sure of his success, suggests that they take out their willies, lay them on the table and mesure. The respective lengths would establish the magic formula which would lead to their good fortune. So,the American being first,unzips his trousers, whips out his beast and slams it down on the table for all to behold. A very impressive 18 inches! A crowd starts to gather, there is a gasp heard from one end of the room. Its now the German’s turn. With great pride and dashing attire, he undoes his zip, ecarts his underwear, and leashes HIS monster. The ungodly thing unfolds before the unsuspecting public and attains an unbelievable 23 inches (hey there, Rocco)! This time there is more than one gasp from the ever increasing assembly. the Frenchman, shy and ungainly, awkwardly edges forward and timidly sets his piece on the table. A hush engulfs the place….. one inch!
The American is quick to say, “Hey, no big deal, we’ve got our three numbers”: 18, 24 and the ace.
Two weeks later the three are back in the bar celebrating their good fortune. They struck gold, three million dollars. One million apiece.
The German says, “Ahh jahvol, itz zanks doo me zat vee hahve von zee beeg pot vit my beeg job zwenty dree inches, yahvol”! The American chimes in and says, “Hey, man, hold on, without my 18 inches, I mean, you know, man, like that’s a number, like uuh and it counts too, don’t it?” Well, the Frenchman has the last say: “Eef eet ees drue sat ahll sie noombears coont, si noombear ooane ees iimbortante tooo, baht you guys arrhe looky sat si osserr day ahie ad ah ard on.