From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top
proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs
Bill Clinton:

* If the dress ain’t a mess, he won’t need to confess!

* The economy’s great, let the white boy skate!

* If the bitch didn’t spit, you must aquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it’s not illegal!

* Lewinsky’s a whore, and Bill’s better than Gore!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it’s his personal life!

* Bill won’t tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr’s proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky’s just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it’s not really immoral!

Here’s a tale from the oval office
Told without rancour or malice
About intern acts
And oral sex
On the presidential phallus.

Bill’s dick was out of its stable
With Monica willing and able
To meet and greet
That piece of meat
Beneath a White House table.

Matters of state were delayed
As he wanted a little quick head
But after one slick lick
On the end of his dick
He came on her blue dress instead.

Said Monica “This is really a pain
For you’ve gone and left a big stain
But no way will I wash it
I’ll keep it and stash it
For someday I may need it again.”

Said Bill “I hope that no-one has seen us
With you going down on my penis
For no one must know
That you gave me a blow
So we’ll keep this thing strictly between us.”

But after making so messy a slip
Between Bill’s dick and her lip
Monica felt a need to confess
About the stain on her dress
To the loathsome Linda Tripp.

To her cost poor Monica found
That Linda was wired up for sound
She had her tape running
For the tale of Bill’s cuming
And that’s how the word got around.

Then Tripp told that fellow Ken Starr
Who wanted Bill’s Balls in a jar
And he created a dinsky
That made Miss Lewinsky
Hand that dress into the bar.

This guy Starr will not rest
And the Feds are doing their best
To see if that spot
Is Bill’s cum or not
By running a DNA test.

Poor Bill feels a bit of a twit
About all that Lewinsky bit
For by being immoral
And indulging in oral
He’s landed himself in the shit.

You’ll remember Bill’s pot-smoking tale
And this time he’ll surely not fail
To say ejaculations
Aren’t sexual relations
Because Monica didn’t inhale.

*These aren’t your father’s cigars … or your mother’s, for that
matter.

*When’s the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?

*Because size really does matter.

*The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.

*Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.

*The “fun-to-put-in” carcinogen!

*New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms)

*After a strokin’ it’s still good for smokin’.

*Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

*Won’t leave a mess all over her dress!

*All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar…with the pungent aroma of
a tuna canning factory!

*These won’t go floppy in your mouth.

*The best thing you’ll ever find in a box.

*Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!

*Cigars… they’re not just for oral pleasure any more.

*Batteries not included.

President Clinton was to represent the United States of America on
a highly formal, orchestrated “state visit” to Great Britain.

Air Force One stopped at a bright red carpet along which the President
strode to join Queen Elizabeth II in a beautiful, ornate 17th-century
coach hitched to 6 enormous matched white horses.

The coach proceeded through the streets en route to Buckingham Palace
with the President and the Queen alternating between exchanging
pleasantries and waving each out their respective windows to the
cheering throngs.

At one point, the right rear horse produced a thunderous, cataclysmic
fart that reverberated through the air and rattled the doors of the
coach.

Presidents and Queens are, first and foremost, human beings. Their
first reaction was to focus their attentions outside their respective
windows, and behave as if nothing extraordinary had happened.

The President was the first to realize that ignoring what had
happened was ridiculous.

“Queen Elizabeth, please accept my regrets …. I’m sure you
understand that there are some things that even the President of
the United States cannot control.”

“Mr. Clinton, please don’t give the matter another thought. Why,
if you hadn’t said something, I would have thought it was one of
the horses.”

Chubby Cheatin’
Hubby Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy
Knee Pad Noogat
Impeach-Mint
Candy Pants
Hyperactive Nuts
Chilly Hillbilly
Vanilla Pantsachio
Subpoena Colada
Horny Bubba Crunch
Peppermint Fattie
Captain Cream
Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl
Scandalberry Chunky
Monkey Double Nut Joy
Subpoenas ‘n’ Cream
Chocolate Chip Doughboy
Tubby Bubba Hillary Chiller
Fundraising Coffee
Oval Office Surprise
Arkansas Smoothie
Arkansas ImPeach
ImPeaches-n-Creams

(To the tune of “A Few Of My Favorite Things”
from the Sound of Music) Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer
Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things. Beating the draft board and
getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and
suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut
and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months
of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill
Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell ” Well Kjell, I don’t know what
you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright
and brilliant.”
“How do you know?” asks Kjell Magne.
“Oh well, it’s simple”, says Bill. “They all have to take special
tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second”. He calls
Madeleine Albright over and says to her “Tell me Madeleine, who is
the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother
and is not your sister?”
Ah, that’s simple Mr. President”, says Madeleine, “it is me!”
“Well done Madeleine,” says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is
very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the
intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars
Sponheim and says: “Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father
and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer. “Can I think
about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?”
“Of course,” says Bondevik, “you’ve got 24 hours.”
Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his
team, but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very
worried - still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually Lars
Sponheim says “I’ll ask Gudmund Restad, he’s clever, he’ll know the
answer.” He calls Restad.
“Gudmund,” he says, “tell me who is the child of your father and of
your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?”
“Very simple”, says Gudmund, “it’s me!”
“Of course” says Lars and calls Kjell Magne Bondevik.
“Kjell Magne”, says Lars, “I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad”.
“No you idiot”, says Bondevik, “it’s Madeleine Albright”.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President
Clinton came on the TV. After a few sips he looked up at the screen
and mumbled,

“Now there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

Immediately a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over,
decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary
Clinton appeared on the TV.

“She’s a horse’s ass too,” he said.

A customer from the other end of the bar got up, walked over, and
knocked him off his stool.

“Hey!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be
Clinton country.”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

A Marine colonel on his way home from work at the Pentagon came
to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this
traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing’s even moving.”

He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the
lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me,
Officer, what’s the hold up?”

The Officer replies, “The President is just so depressed about the
Impeachment thing he stopped his motorcade in the middle of the
Beltway and he’s threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set
himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesn’t have
the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I’m walking around taking up
a collection for him.”

“Oh really? How much have you collected so far?”

“So far only about three hundred gallons, but I’ve got a lot of
folks still siphoning.”!