A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the
ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger
‘units’ than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean
to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl
on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet
the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk
about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but
not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people
in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you
were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they’re
listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they
go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay
you to do it?
22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot
at them?

A guy is hanging out in his favorite bar when he spots a fabulous
babe walking in on the arm of some ugly schlep. He asks the bartender
about her and is surprised to discover that she’s a prostitute. He
watches her the rest of the night, amazed that someone so attractive
could be available to him.

The next night he goes back to the bar, and sure enough she shows up
again, only this time alone. The guy gets up his nerve and approaches
her. “Is it true you’re a prostitute?”

“Why, sure, big boy. What can I do for you?”

“Well, I dunno. What do you charge?”

“I get $100 just for a handjob. We can negotiate from there.”

“$100 For a handjob? Are you nuts?”

“You see that Ferrari out there?”

The guy looks out the front door, and sure enough there’s a shiny
new Ferrari parked outside.

“I paid cash for that Ferrari with the money I made on handjobs.
Trust me, it’s worth it.”

The guy mulls it over for a while, and decides what the hell. He
leaves with her, and gets the most unbelievable experience he’s ever
had. This handjob was better than any complete sexual experience in
his miserable life.

The next night he’s back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to
show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her.

“Last night was incredible”

“Of course it was. Just wait ‘til you try one of my blowjobs.”

“How much is that?”

“$500″

“$500? C’mon, that’s ridiculous.”

“You see that apartment building across the street?”

The guy looks out front at a 12 story apartment building.

“I paid cash for that building with the money I made on blowjobs.
Trust me, it’s worth it.”

Based on the night before, the guy decides to go for it. He leaves
with her, and once again is not disappointed. He nearly blacks out
twice from the pleasure he receives.

The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up.
“I’m hooked, you’re the best Tell me, what’ll it cost me for some
pussy?”

She motions for him to follow her outside. She points down the street,
where between the buildings he can see Manhattan. “You see that island?”

“Aw, c’mon, You can’t mean that.”

She nods her head. “You bet. If I had a pussy, I’d own Manhattan”

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second,
“You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping
service in Mexico.”

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their
money and buy everything they’ll need a tower, elastic cord,
insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up in the
square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. After
they have everything ready, they decide to give the crowd a
demonstration. As the first guy gets prepped up, the second guy
walks way back behind the crowd to get a good view of everything.

The first guy finally jumps. He disappears behind the mass of people,
and then bounces back up, but when he comes back up, the second guy
notices that his friend has a few cuts and scratches. Assuming the
cord was too long allowing his friend to scrape the ground, he starts
rushing towards his friend. The first guy falls again, bounces as the
bungee cord gets taught and comes back up again. This time, he is
bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy is still trying to get
through the crowd to help his friend.

As the bungee cord reaches its recoil maximum, the first guy is once
again headed back towards the ground and then bounces once again back
into the air. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he’s got a
couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally gets to the front of the crowd and
catches his friend asking, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

The first mumbles, “No, the cord was fine… but what the HELL is a
pinata?”

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her
place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went
right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with
stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place.
Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed
animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of
smaller stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked,
“So… how was I?”

“Well,” she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day’s sightseeing,
he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed
a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.

Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter
“What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull’s balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin
of the dish said “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

The waiter replied “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a
day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this
delicacy!”

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was
served the one and only delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and
said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday!”

The waiter promptly replied, “Si senor,sometimes the bull wins!

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.
He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes.
In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense
pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes,” he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. “Here,” she said, handing
him his pack cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I could find my sweet little hamster.”

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest
the following:

“Father, I am an 80 year old man, I’m married, I have 4 children
and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with
two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long.”

The priest said, “My son, when was the last time you were at
confession?”

The old man said, “I have never been to confession, I’m Jewish.”

The priest said, “Then why are you here telling me this?”

The old man said, “Father, I’m telling everyone!”

A police officer pulls over this guy who’s been weaving in and
out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says,
“Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry, officer, I can’t do that. I am an
asthmatic. If I do that, I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,
I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then, we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry, officer, I can’t do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If I do that, I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this
problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts
never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted
at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t
know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me
next week.”

The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t
know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts…although still
silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good!!! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses,
let’s work on your hearing.”