One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted
at the man, “You should be hung!”

The man calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights
and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror,
admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with
the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in
the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach,
one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking
out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis
around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, “There really is
no justice in the world.”

The other little old lady asked, “What do you mean by that?”

The first little old lady replied, “Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.
Now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I’m too
old to squat.”

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at
the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot
flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did
not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal,
pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When
forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the
poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces
the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a
very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in. As with all farts,
it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work
and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet
Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their
arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper
before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers
who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT
OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are
in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a
dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the
TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to
cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very
effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all
doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the
bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee.
Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror
or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while
on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the
bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom
attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom,
leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a
Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes,
piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost.
Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom.
Don’t forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFEHAVEN.

A small white guy goes into an elevator and notices this huge black
dude standing next to him. The big guy looks down upon the small
white guy and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound
left ball, 3 pound right ball, Ben Dover” The small white guy faints!!

The big guy picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his
face and shaking him and asks him, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Ben Dover.”

The small white guy says, “Thank god! The first time I thought you
had said ‘Bend Over! ‘”

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey,
we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied,
“My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal !!!”

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar and then turns to the
astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this
alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside! Then the
‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open
his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stands up on the
bar, drops his trousers, and places his privates in the
alligator’s open mouth. The gator closes its mouth as the
crowd gasps. After a minute, the man grabs a beer bottle and
rapps the alligator hard on the top of its head, so hard that
the bottle breaks. The gator opens his mouth and the man
removes his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheers and the first of his free drinks were
delivered. The man stands up again and makes another offer.
“I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”.

A hush falls over the crowd. After a while, a hand goes up
in the back of the bar. A woman timidly speaks up. “I’ll try,
but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle”.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for
a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his
wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick
his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated
that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely
shaken. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you
how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No,Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”

“Oh…she got fired too.”

Cover charge: $15.00
Round of drinks: $23.00
Table dance: $30.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Couch dance and tips: $50.00
A round of shots: $34.00
Another round of drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private dance and hotel room: $500.00

Sending her on her way and never having to listen to her bitching…

Priceless

There are some things in life money can’t buy, for everything else
there’s MASTERCARD.

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,
became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around,
he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained
his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me,
so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to
his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her
again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you
must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the
same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender
if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady
and played the course often. He approached her and said, “Let me
buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that
you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With
that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper
salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps
his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns
over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”