Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers in
training. Among the speakers were many well-known motivational
speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire
crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent
in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was
shocked! He followed up by saying “And that woman was my mother!”
The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which went
over well.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the
joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him that morning.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of
my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my
wife!” His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds, trying to recall the second half of the joke,
the pastor finally blurted out “… and I can’t remember who she
was!”

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
mother and started back toward his car when his attention was
diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to
be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, “Why
did you have to die? Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of
pain is more than I’ve ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply? A child? A parent?”

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
“My wife’s first husband.”

Goulish Jokes The professor was removing organs from the
deceased before his students, all the while saying, “. . .
and this is the heart, and this is the liver,and this is the
kidney, and this is . . .”

“What the heck is the professor doing?” asked a student.

“Shh! He’s giving an organ recital.”

You heard about the little mouse who looked up, saw a bat, and
thought it was his fairy godmother?

Bloodshed - where the Red Cross keeps the plasma Blood Vessel -
That’s how it gets overseas

Cemetary - bone zone.

Headline: Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetary will be done
by skeleton crews.

Epitaph on tombstone of old maid: You can take it with you.

Two old guys watching a funeral cortege:
Guy 1: “Who died?”
Guy 2: “I’m not sure but I think it’s the guy in the first car.”

Guy 1: “Why are you putting a wreath on that fuse box?”
Guy 2: “My brother got the electric chair one year ago today.”

A kid stole a sign from a nursery and stuck it in front of a
funeral parlor. It read: LET US DO YOUR PLANTING FOR YOU.

Undertaker - the last guy to let you down.

Jack the Ripper’s mother said to Jack, “How come you never go
out with the same girl twice?”

The deceased’s family couldn’t afford a stone, so they just
left his head out.

A man has his wife cremated and as he watches the smoke come out,
he says, “That’s the first time I ever saw her hot.”

Funeral director - a guy who tries to look sad during a ten
thousand-dollar funeral.

Man: “Doctor, I have a bad time every night. As I look out my
bedroom window, I see the ghosts of my ancestors sitting on top
of the fence posts. They sit there staring and howling. What can
I do?” Doctor: “Sharpen the tops of the fence posts.”

A ghost floats up to the bartender : “Do you serve spirits
in here?”

Mummy - an Egyptian pressed for time.

Undertaker - the last man to box John L. Sullivan.

Sign on electric chair: “You can be sure if it’s Westinghouse.

One day this guy was hiking up to an old camp. There was
an outhouse along the way, so the guy goes up to the
outhouse and accidentally drops a nickel down the hole.
He was very upset about this and threw his whole wallet
down into the hole.

Another guy who was hiking saw him throw his wallet down
in the outhouse hole and asked, “Hey buddy, what did you
do that for?”

The guy’s reply was, “You didn’t think I would go down
there for just a nickel did you?”

One day while walking down the street a highly successful
executive woman was hit by a bus and tragically died. Her
soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly
Gates by St. Peter himself. “Welcome to Heaven,” said St.
Peter. “Before you get settled, though, it seems we have a
problem. You see, strangely enough, we’ve never once had an
executive make it this far and we’re not really sure what to
do with you.” “No problem, just let me in.” said the woman.

“I’d like to, but I have higher orders. What we’re going to
do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then
you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.”
“Actually, I think I’ve made up my mind; I prefer to stay in
Heaven,” said the woman.”Sorry, we have rules.” With that St.
Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-
down to hell.

The doors opened, and she found herself stepping out onto the
putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance,
sat a exquisite country club, and standing in front, were all
her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with during
her life. They were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering
for her. They ran up, kissed her on both cheeks, and talked
about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and, that night, ate
in country club, where she enjoyed an excellent steak and
lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really
nice guy (kinda cute, and she had a great time telling jokes
and dancing. She was having such a good time that, before she
knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and
waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly
Gates, where St. Peter awaited her. “Now it’s time to spend a
day in heaven,” he said.

She spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds, playing
the harp, and singing. She had a great time, and before she knew
it, her 24 hours were over. St. Peter came and got her. “So,
you’ve spent a day in hell, and you’ve spent a day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity,” he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, “I never thought
I’d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all,
but I think I had a better time in Hell.” So St. Peter escorted
her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down, back to
Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself
standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends - dressed in rags, picking up the garbage,
and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his
arm around her.

“I don’t understand,” stammered the woman, “yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster
and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage, and all my friends look miserable.” The Devil looked
at her and smiled, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today
you’re staff.”

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly
gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said: “I was a
pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities.”

St. Peter said, “You can enter.”

The second doctor said “I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves.”

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, “I was an HMO
manager helped people get cost-effective health care.”

St. Peter said, “You can come in too.” But as the HMO manager
walked by, St. Peter added, “You can stay three days. After that,
you can go to hell.”

An elderly man thinking his wife was losing her hearing went
about 20′ behind her and asked “Can you hear me sweetheart”?.
No reply.

Moved to 10′ and inquired again. No reply.

5′ and not a word.

A few inches behind ear, he asked “Can you hear me now honey”?

His wife said “For the fourth time, yes.”

It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life

It can buy you Sex
But not Love

So you see money isn’t everything.
I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to
take away your pain and suffering…
So send me all your money and I will suffer for you.
A truer Friend than I you will never find.

CASH ONLY, PLEASE

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for
Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman
behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his
wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and
she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too.”

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb over the meat.

“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “You have your hand
on my steak!”

“What?” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the
floor again?”