A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked
robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets
in because it’s too risky to operate.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in
tears. “What’s wrong” asks the mother.

“I was having a pee and this bullet came out” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

“Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out”. Again the mother
tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week
later the boy walks into the room in tears.

“It’s okay” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were having a pee
and a bullet came out.”

“No,” says the boy, “I was jerking off and I shot the dog.”

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, “I want to open a damn checking account.”

To which the astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir; I must
have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
right now!”

“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in
this bank.” So without saying anything the teller leaves the window and
goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.

They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, “What seems to be
the problem here?”

“There’s no fucking problem, dammit!” the man says, “I just won
$50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn
checking account in this damn bank!”

“I see,” says the manager excitedly, “and this bitch is giving you a
hard time?”

Top 10 things men would do if they had a vagina:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if it’s truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded
on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!

New pickup line for guys:
I love every bone in your body, especially mine.

A guy goes into a doctors office with a frog growing out of his head
the doctors says,’Tell me how it started.’ And the frog says, ‘It
started out as a bump on my ass.’

What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp

Why do drivers education classes in redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage, along with a recipe.

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”
A southern fairytale begins Y’all won’t believe this shit……..

(but probably wished he had)

–Every teenager should get a high school
education — even if they already know
everything

–Some things that cost $5 to buy several
years ago now costs $10 just to repair

–A synonym is a word you use in place of
one you can’t spell

–The outcome of the income depends on
the outgo for the upkeep

–Here’s a new invention — a solar-powered
clothes dryer. It’s called a clothes line

–Leaders go down in history — some
farther down than others

–Any man who laughs at women’s clothes
has never paid the bill for them

–Four-word story of failure: Hired, tired,
mired, fired

–For every judge operating in an official
capacity, there are 100 who are self-appointed

–It is when we forget ourselves that we do
things that are most likely to be remembered

–The more you know, the more you know
you ought to know

–The argument you just won with your
spouse isn’t over yet

–The law of gravitation is the only law that
everybody observes

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of the
office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck
came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver’s
door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it
wasn’t more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the
cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming
hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before,
was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how
the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you
lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that
you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

Edna went into her local Arkansas branch of Victoria’s Secret to buy
some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real
nice bright red crotchless panties.

Edna put them on and waited for her husband, Ralph, to get home from
work. When Ralph arrived, Edna was all laid out upon the bed and
pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. With a wide
smile across her face, Edna asked, “Want some of this?”

Ralph took just one look and said, “Lord no, it done ate a hole in
your panties…”

Three Irishmen are enjoying a round of stout in the local pub when
suddenly a drunk stumbles in, staggers up to them, and points at the
guy in the middle…

The drunk shouts: “Your mom’s the best damn lay in town!”

Everyone in the pub expects a fight, but the young strong man just
ignores him.

The drunk mumbles as he wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the
far end.

Barely ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy,
and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was swe-e-e-t!”

Once again the young man holds back his Irish temper and refuses to
take the bait. The drunk sneers as he wanders back to the far end of
the bar.

Not two minutes pass when once again he’s back harassing the young man.
For all to hear, the drunk yells in the man’s ear: “You know, your mom
even let me…”

Finally, the young man loses his temper, grabs the drunk by the
shoulders, shakes him hard and shouts: “Go home Dad, you’re drunk!”