A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting hammered.
A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”

The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just
can’t explain.”

“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat
down next to the farmer.

“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking
her. Just as I got the bucket ’bout full, she lifted her left leg
and kicked over the bucket.” “Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not
so bad.”

“Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied.

“So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took
her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.” “And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket ’bout full, she took her right leg and kicked over the
bucket.” Man laughed and said, “Again?”

The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”

“So, what did you do then?” the man asked. “I took her right leg
this time and tied it to the post on the right.”

“And then?” “Well, I sat back down and began milking her again.
Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over
the bucket with her tail.” “Hmmm . . . ” the man said and nodded
his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.

“So, what did you do?” the man asked. “Well,” the farmer said,
“I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her
tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife
walked in . . . Some things you just can’t explain.”

A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final
exam that would be given the following day. She told the class
that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for
serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate
family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, “What
about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class did its best
to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically
at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, “Not an excuse.
You can write with your other hand.”

To my dear wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

44 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too early
15 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
3 times “the neighbors will hear us”
22 times you had a headache
7 times you had a sunburn
9 times your “mother will hear us”
37 times you weren’t in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn’t want to mess up your new hairdo
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you said you had to get up early
16 times you promised “tomorrow”

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn’t get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn’t cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

Maria was a devoted, religious girl. She got married and had
17 children. Then her husband died. She remarried two weeks
later, and had 22 children by her next husband. Then he died.
A while later, she died.

At the funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At least
they’re finally together.”

A guy sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, father, but do
you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”

The priest said, “I mean her legs.”

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little
boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side
of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was
wearing a fireman’s hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that
the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really
cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking
fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to
the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, “Son, I don’t want
to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think
if you would tie that rope around the dog’s neck you would go faster.”

“Maybe so,” said the little boy, “but then I’d lose my siren!”

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton both die on the same day. They
both go before Saint Peter to find out if they will be admitted
to heaven. Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day,
so St. Peter must decide which of them will get in.

He asks Dolly if there’s some particular reason why she should go
to heaven. She takes her top off and says, “Look at these. They’re
the most perfect God has ever created, and I am sure it would please
him to be able to see them every day for eternity.”

Saint Peter thanks Dolly, and then asks Queen Elizabeth the same
question. Queen Elizabeth then drops her skirt and panties, takes
a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches
with it. St. Peter says, “Okay, your majesty, you may go in.”

Outraged, Dolly screams, “What in the hell was that all about? I
showed you two of God’s greatest creations. She performed a
disgusting hygiene act, and she gets in and I don’t.”

“Sorry, Dolly,” says St. Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair
any day.”

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a
sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and
noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she
touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
him, “Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the
trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they’d close
the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into
his wife’s room.

After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no
heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing
there, pulling up his pants, and said, “I think she choked.”

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall,
so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire
said, “I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of
the last thing that went through Custer’s mind before he died. I am
going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect
to see it completed.”

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the
finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a
halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual
positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. “What the hell is this?” screamed
the billionaire.

“Why that’s exactly what you asked for,” said the artist smugly.

“No! I didn’t ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for
an interpretation of Custer’s last thoughts!”

“And there you have it,” said the artist. “I call it, ‘Holy cow,
look at all those fucking Indians.’”

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona
cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle,
horses, and weather, to how things used to be in the “good old days.”

Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman
turned to the fellow on his right and asked, “Roy, aren’t you and
your bride celebrating your fiftieth wedding anniversary soon?”

“Yup, we sure are,” Roy replied.

“Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?” another man
asked.

The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, “For
our twenty-fifth anniversary, I took Bea to Tucson. Maybe for our
fiftieth, I’ll go down there and get her.”

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and
that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man
sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were
three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y
jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my
first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove
is for, but what’s the beer for?”

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse, “Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!”