A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem
with her printer. the tech asked her if she was
“running it under Windows.” The woman then responded,
“No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is
under a window, and his is working fine.”

*****************************************************

Tech Support: “How much free space do you have on your
hard drive?” Customer: “Well, my wife likes to get up
there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of
free space. Is that enough?”

*****************************************************

Tech Support: “Ok Bob, let’s press the control and
escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task
list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter
‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.” Customer: “I don’t
have a ‘P’.” Tech Support: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
Customer: “What do you mean?” Tech Support: “‘P’ on
your keyboard, Bob.” Customer: “I’m not going to do that!”

*****************************************************

Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I’d like a
mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we’ve
got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be
compatible with my computer?”

******************************************************

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to
fax the document back to the sender when I was finished
with it, because he needed to keep it.

******************************************************

Customer: “Can you copy the Internet for me on this
diskette?”

******************************************************

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone
calls that go something like this: Customer: “Hi. Is
this the Internet?”

******************************************************

Some people pay for their online services with checks
made payable to “The Internet.”

******************************************************

Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet,
right?” Tech Support: “Yeah.” Customer: “And that’s the
latest version of the Internet, right?” Tech Support:
“Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”

******************************************************

Customer: “My computer crashed!” Tech Support:
“It crashed?” Customer: “Yeah, it won’t let me play
my game.” Tech Support: “All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete
to reboot.” Customer: “No, it didn’t crash — it crashed.”
Tech Support: “Huh?” Customer: “I crashed my game. That’s
what I said before. Now it doesn’t work. Turned out, the
user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship.
Tech Support: “Click on ‘File,’ then ‘New Game.’” Customer:
[pause] “Wow! How’d you learn how to do that?”

*******************************************************

An end user’s guide to technical services

1. When a tech says he’s coming right over, go
for coffee. It’s nothing to us to remember 2700
screen saver passwords.

2. When you call us to have your computer moved,
be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of
postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We
don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to
catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing
out the public groups.

4. When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts out. We exist only to
serve.

5. When a tech is having a smoke outside, ask him
a computer question. The only reason why we smoke
at all is to ferret out those clients who don’t
have e-mail or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent e-mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail
server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a tech’s direct line, press 5 to
skip the bilingual greeting that says he’s out of
town for a week, record your message, and wait
exactly 24 hours before you send an e-mail straight
to the director because no one ever returned your
call. You’re entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier doesn’t work, call computer
support. There’s electronics in it.

9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at
home, call computer support. We can fix your line
from here.

10. When something’s wrong with your home PC, dump
it on a tech’s chair with no name, no phone number
and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you
through changing a setting; read the paper. We don’t
actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love
to hear ourselves talk.

12. When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade,
don’t bother. We’ll be there to hold your hand after
it is done.

13. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job
at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked
into black holes.

14. When the printer still won’t print after 20
tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the
office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don’t use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you’re taking night classes in computer
science, feel free to go around and update the
network drivers for you and all you co-workers.
We’re grateful for the overtime money.

17. When you have a tech fixing your computer at
a quarter past two, eat your lunch in his face.
We function better when slightly dizzy.

18. Don’t ever thank us. We’re getting paid for this.

19. When a tech asks you whether you’ve installed
any new software on this computer, lie. It’s
nobody’s business what you’ve got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the
framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and
stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed
to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn”t work,
blame it on the mail upgrade. Keyboards are actually
very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and
nail clippings in them.

22. When you get the message saying “Are you sure?”,
click on that Yes button as fast as you can. Hell,
if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it,
would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like “I don’t
know nothing about that computer crap”. We don’t
mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise
referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge,
call tech support. Changing a toner cartridge is
an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends that it be performed only by a professional
engineer with a Master’s degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something’s the matter with your computer,
ask your secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy
the challenge of having to deal with a third party
who doesn’t know jack shit about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it
to everyone as a mail attachment. We got lots of
disk space on that mail server.

27. Don’t even think of breaking large print jobs
down into smaller chunks. Somebody else might get a
chance to squeeze a queue.

28. When you bump into a tech in the grocery store
on a Saturday, ask a computer question. We don’t
do weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science,
have him come in on the weekends and do his projects
on your office computer. We’ll be there for you when
his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access
95 database flip out.

30. When you bring your own personal home PC for
repair at the office, leave the documentation at
home. We’ll find the jumper settings on the internet.

So the other day, my friends and I went to
this “Gentlemans’ Club.” One of my buddies
wanted to impress us, so he pulls out a $10
bill. The “dancer” came over to us, and my
friend licked the $10 and put it on her butt.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls
out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over,
licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could
I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought
for a minute…..then the banker in me took
over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down
her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

“The Law of Avoiding Oversell” When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.

“The Law of Common Sense” Never accept a drink from a urologist.

“The Law of Reality” Never get into fights with ugly people, they
have nothing to lose.

“The Law of Motivation” Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

“Law of Impossibility” Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t
have to do it himself.

“Law of Drunkenness” You can’t fall off the floor, but you can hold
on to the grass and try not to fall of the edge of the world.

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and the
young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and
towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father
John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told
her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily, “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old
nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the
Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened
to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And
then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would
soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good
being saved.”

“That wicked old devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was
Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

usband and wife were sitting at the dinner table. Husband gets
up and goes to the cupboard. He brings back a bottle of Tylenol
and a glass of water. He places it in front of his wife.

Wife says “What’s that for? I don’t have a headache.”

Husband says “GOTCHA!”

A man stumbled upon a magic lamp and decided to rub it just in
case, and out popped the genie. The genie being in a rush told
the man he would only get two wishes, so make them good! He then
informed the man that whatever he wished for, his wife would
receive double of. The man thought for a moment and then told
the genie to give him one million dollars, and beat him half to
death.

Gerry McLaughlin, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Gerry works independently, without
wasting company time talking
to colleagues.
Gerry never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time.
Often,
Gerry takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping
coffee breaks. Gerry is a
dedicated
individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his
high accomplishments and
profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Gerry can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend
that
Gerry be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards - Project Leader

KEEP READING

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following
furthermemo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote
the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd
numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards - Project Leader

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back
and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear
was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first
to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary… Mary….

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have
sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then
sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night,
sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the
ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but
returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger
‘units’ than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean
to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl
on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”