How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they
are beautiful.

The bumper sticker read: “I lost 250 pounds in one day,
I divorced her.”

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get
married?”
And the father replied,
“I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a
look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a
recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones
in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into
women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer
each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight,
talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional,
couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing,
and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, “So, you single?”

The woman replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”

He replies, “Because you’re fucking ugly”.

The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3-year-old daughter.

The mother said, “What does the cow say?”

The child answered, “Moo!”

The mother then said, “Great! What does the cat say?”

The child replied, “Meow.”

The mother exclaimed, “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?”

The wide-eyed little 3-year-old looked up at her mother and in her
deepest voice replied, “Bud.”