Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus
walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three
astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked
humbly, “Jesus, I’ve suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel
in the Vietnam war…could you help me?”

“Of course, my son”, Jesus said, and when he touched the man’s back,
he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading
and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man’s glasses and tossed them in the lake.
When they hit the water, the man’s eyes cleared and he could see
everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up
and cried defensively, “Don’t touch me! I’m on long term disability.”

1) You can enjoy a beer all month long

2) Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car

3) Hangovers go away

4) A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer

5) Beer never has a headache

6) When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer

7) A beer won’t get upset when you come home with beer on your breath

You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty

9) You can share a beer with your friends

10) A beer always goes down easy

11) You always know you’re the first one to pop a beer

12) A beer is always wet

13) You can have a beer in public

14) A frigid beer is a good beer

15) You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good

Her driver’s license says “Picture continued on other side.”

Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Yo mama’s so fat, she could sell shade.

Yo mama’s so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.

Yo mama’s so fat, her blood type is Ragu.

Yo mama’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a
menu, she gets an estimate.

Yo mama’s so fat, her belly button doesn’t have lint, it has sweaters.

When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.

When she dances she makes the band skip.

When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave
her 13 years to live.

She puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.

When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.

Yo mama is so fat she uses a pillow for a tampon.

It is humorous. I am sure you have all received those emails to
forward to all of your friends for good luck… blah, blah, blah.
Well, this guy apparantly got tired of them and his email has been
circulating now. Must have had a bad day, this guy….

Hello, my name is Basmati Kasaar. I am suffering from rare and deadly
diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme virginity, fear of being
kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not
forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people
who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor
6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able
to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents
sell her off to the travelling freak how. Do you honestly believe that
Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to
$1000? How stupid are you? “Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this
page and make a wish, I’l get laid by every Playboy model in the
magazine!” What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a
big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do
than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter
leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and
was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and
if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of
World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something
mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest
friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will
somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about
90 times. I don’t care. Show a little intelligence and think about
what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances
are it’s your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain
letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the
rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on. Don’t piss
people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with
no teeth,
who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only savior is
the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail,
otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right? Now forward this to
everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will
turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

You’ve sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for 3 different
organizations.

You learn about your layoff on the news.

Your supervisor doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than all
the developing countries’ gross national products combined.

It’s dark when you drive to and from work.

You’re already late on the work task you just got.

You work 200 hours for a $100 bonus check.

Your business cards are no longer correct just one month after you
receive them.

You have no hobbies that do not involve an electronic device.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you’ve lost your best
jokes. YOU KNOW YOU WORKED DURING THE 90’s IF….

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is
Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on…
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced
today that they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Hickbonics/English dictionary:

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup
truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat
tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or
combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed…must be from some farn
country.”

DID - (adjective) - Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe…give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Ju here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob
war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah…haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a
minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED - (verb) - past tense of “to see”.

VIEW - contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City… view?”

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert .”

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: Heidi,
Hire yew?”

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in
improvements.”

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd
from him in munts.”

THANK - (verb) - Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

An old couple was sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office
when the nurse came out and said, “Mr. Jones, the doctor told me that
he needs you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample
before he examines you.”

The old man looked up at the nurse, cupped his right ear and said,
“What did you say?”

The nurse came a little closer and said very loudly, “We’re going to
need you to give a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample,
Mr. Jones.”

The old man leaned forward and said, “What did you say, young lady?”,
then turning to his wife next to him he shouted, “what’d she say?”

His wife leaned over and shouted in his ear, “She said she wants your
shorts!”

“You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for
ignoring me.”

“I know it’s late and my parents are in the other room… but I still
want you right now!”

“This porno storyline is boring… Fast forward to the gang bang scenes.”

“Don’t move over, I kind’a like sleeping in the wet spot.”

“Don’t dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up. Here, use my blouse.”

“That was a lot of fun! When will all of your friends be over again to
watch pornos?”

“I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our French maid, Monique.”

“You’re my daddy! Oh, yes, you’re my daddy!”

“The new girl in my office used to be a stripper. I invited her over
for dinner on Friday.”

“Honey, you forgot to flush the toilet. But it’s good to see your so
regular!”

“While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and
missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.”

“Bar food again!? Fabulous!”

“I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has real
style.”

“That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool! I’m gonna go over
and compliment her.”

“I love hearing those cute stories about your old girlfriends. Please
tell me more.”

“I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what
a wonderful Valentines Day present. Thanks, darling.”

“Let’s just leave the toilet seat up at all times. That way you don’t
have to mess with it anymore.”

“I’ve decided to get myself a boob job. How big do you want ‘em?”

“It’s only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.”

“Honey come here! Watch me do a tequila shot off of Stephanie’s bare ass!”

“I’ll put it on my credit card, so order another round for you and your
friends.”

“I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it
again.”

“Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars, scotch and
morning breath. You passed out again before brushing your teeth, ya’
big silly!”

“You are so much smarter than my father!”

“If we’re not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch the
football game!”