One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise
apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to
air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets
and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death. “Oh, shit!” the
woman thought, “what a stupid way to die.”

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out
into the air, catching the woman. Delirious from shock, the woman
shouted, “Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!”

The man replied, “Do you suck?”

Stunned at this, the woman said, “No, I don’t suck!”

And with that, the man let go of her.

“Shit!” the woman thought as she began to plummet again. Suddenly,
another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor. “Thank God!” she
screamed. “I would have died if it weren’t for you!”

The man asked, “Do you fuck?”

Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, “No, I don’t fuck!”

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there. Falling
again, the woman thought that she would surely die. Just then, a set
of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the
woman shouted, “I suck! I fuck!”

“Slut,” the man said, and dropped her.

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports
car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily,
she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and
knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s
Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay
here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help? “Well,”
drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’
with my sons Jed and Luke.”

She looks through the screen door and sees two young men standing
behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.

“Okay,” she says.

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a
little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like
for me to teach you the ways of the world?”

They say, “Huh?”

She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have
to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of
them go at it all night long.

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking
back and forth. Jed says, “Luke?” Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?” Jed says,
“You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago
and showed us the ways of the world?”

“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.” “Do you care if she gets pregnant?”
asks Jed. “Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.” “Me, neither,” says Jed,
“What the hell, let’s take these things off.”

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT
MODEL.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY
OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST
QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in
DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL
STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY
IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED
COMPANION.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM
DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached
COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

There was a blonde and a redhead each enjoying a beer at
a nearby bar. They were discussing their day, when the
6:00pm news came on the TV over the bar. The news program
was about a man who was threatening to jump from a local
bridge. The blonde turned to the redhead and said, “I’ll
bet you $50 that he doesn’t jump!” The redhead agreed to
the bet and they both sat and watched. Within 10 minutes
the man jumped from the bridge. “Damn!!!” said the blonde.

“Well, a bet’s a bet! Here’s your $50!” The redhead began
to feel guilty and then explained, “I’m sorry, I can’t take
your money… you see… I saw this story on the news at
5:00pm.” The blonde then said, “No, no, it’s okay. Take
the money. I saw the news at 5:00pm too, but I didn’t think
he would jump again!”

Morris died and arrived in Hell. He was met by the Devil
and was told that in the new kinder gentler Hell, each
person is offered three choices of torture. The Devil
explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles
and you could pick which cycle to begin with.

The Devil took Morris to the first room where a man was
hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains.
The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to
start.

They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by
his arms and was being whipped by a cat-o-nine-tails. Morris
also declined this form of torture.

The third room had a old man strapped to the wall naked, and
a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex
upon him. Morris told the Devil this is more like it, and
this was the one he wanted.

The Devil said, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!”

Morris assured him this was the punishment he wanted. So the
Devil walked over to the young blond woman and said, … ….
“You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.”

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar
which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to
the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive
blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives
the hand-jobs?”

“Yes”, she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well wash your fucking hands, I want a cheese
sandwich!”

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became
increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be
pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly
whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to
pinch!”

Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his
wife when he choked, “I… I… didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” said his wife, consolingly. “I did.”

BUMPER STICKERS SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated people don’t give a crap.
2. Practice safe sex, go screw yourself.
3. If you drink don’t park, accidents cause people.
4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
5. If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
6. Please tell your pants it’s not polite to point.
7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better.
8. My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
9. Thank you for pot smoking.
10. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
11. If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek
counseling.
12. Impotence Nature’s way of saying “No Hard Feelings.”
13. If you can read this I’ve lost my trailer.
14. Horn broken…watch for finger.
15. It’s not how you pick your nose, but where you put the
booger.
16. If you’re not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.
17. You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
18. The earth is full–go home.
19. I have the body of a God….Buddha.
20. This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
21. So many pedestrians-so little time.
22. Cleverly disquised as a responsible adult.
23. If we quit voting will they all go away?
24. The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.
25. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
26. Illiterate? Write for help.
27. Honk if anything falls off.
28. Cover me I’m changing lanes.
29. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the
next exit.
30. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
31. You! Out of the gene pool!
32. I do whatever my rice Krispies tell me to.
33. Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
34. It’s been lovely but I have to scream now.
35. I haven’t lost my mind, It’s backed up on a disk somewhere.
36. Seen on the back of a biker’s vest–If you can read this,
the bitch fell off.
37. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong.
38. Fight crime shoot back.
39. If you can read this, please flip me back over..
(seen upside down, on a jeep).
40. Remember folks stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed
for 70mph.
41. Guys no shirt, no service, gals no shirt, no charge.
42. If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman
look like Jabba the Hut?
43. Necropillia that uncontrollable urge to crack open a
cold one.
44. Ax me about Ebonics.
45. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel.
46. Boldly going nowhere.
47. Cat the other white meat.
48. Caution–Driver legally blonde!
49. Don’t be sexist-broads hate that.
50. Heart attacks–Gods revenge for eating his animal friends.
51. Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
52. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he
is lost?
53. If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with
bullets.
54. Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
55. Saw it…Wanted it…Had a fit…Got it!
56. Warning! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
57. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

Dear Girlfriends ~
This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged women. Unlike most chain letters, this one
does not cost anything. Just send a copy of this letter to five of
your friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up
your husband or boyfriend and send him to the woman whose name appears
at the top of the list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.
When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 men. One of them is
bound to be better than the one you already have. At the writing of
this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 men, 4 of whom
were worth keeping.

REMEMBER, this chain brings luck. One woman’s pit bull died, and the
next day she received an NFL offensive tackle. An unmarried Jewish
woman living with her widowed mother was able to choose between an
orthodontist and a successful gynecologist.
You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One woman broke the
chain, and got her own husband back again.

A blonde a brunette and a redhead all in the doctors office
waiting to be examined.
The redhead said “I’m having a boy” “Well how do you know?”
they asked.
“I was on top” she answered
The brunette said “then I’m having a girl as I was on bottom”
The blonde started crying and screamed “Oh my, I’m having puppies!!”