For those of you who are not from the Pittsburgh area, these are the
rules that most people follow while driving in Southwestern PA.

1. A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many
people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the
left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in
before hitting the orange construction barrels.

2. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Pittsburgh
driver “never” uses them. Use of them on the Parkway may be illegal.
Cadillac’s don’t even come with them.

3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between
you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by
somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

4. Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered
“going with the flow.”

5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you
have of getting hit.

6. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that
your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake
pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to
stretch
your legs.

8. Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last exit before the backup.

9. Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful
information. They are only there to make Pittsburgh look high-tech, and
to distract you from seeing the state police radar car parked on the
median.

10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

11. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and
are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

12. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up
or move over doesn’t mean that a Pittsburgh driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

13. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even
if someone is just changing a tire.

14. Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives
Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

15. It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be
followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to
work.

16. Learn to swerve abruptly. Pittsburgh is the home of high-speed
slalom driving thanks to potholes.

17. It is traditional in Pittsburgh to honk your horn at cars that
don’t move the instant the light changes.

18. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way,
except in Greensburg where it acts as an invitation to duel or
playchicken.

19. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and
left before proceeding. In Pittsburgh it is common to stop and then
decide which direction to turn.

20. Remember that the goal of every Pittsburgh driver is to get there
first, by whatever means necessary.

21. Real Pittsburgh female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye
makeup, and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during
a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

22. Real Pittsburgh male drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at
seventy-five miles per hour in bumper-to-bumper traffic during daylight
hours (who would want to at night?).

23. Heavy snow, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God’s way of
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new
vehicle sales.

24. Of course we can’t forget, but all must slow down when approaching
a tunnel. When we go in, are we actually going to get out?

25. Never get behind an old man with a hat on unless you don’t mind
going 15 miles an hour for miles at a time.