A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the
sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to
rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the
things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks
the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane,
because that decreases the chances that there will be another
bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn’t know
you had in a way you don’t understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a
black cat which isn’t there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the difference between
a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and
calls it a “brief.”

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a
beautiful girl enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think
she liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and
tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you will look forward to the trip.