QUICKIES….
Q: Why do Afghans like to fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff?
A: The sheep tend to push back harder that way!!
A sign outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
Men are like government bonds…
they take so long to mature.
“My wife claims I’m a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever
read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball.
All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she’s way off
base.”
“OLD” IS WHEN… A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.
A woman broke up with me and sent me some pictures of her and her
new boyfriend smooching. Solution??
I sent them to her father.
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly
bruises on his shins, so he asked, “Do you play hockey, soccer,
or any physical sport?”
“Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife.”
“OLD” IS WHEN…
You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t
have to go along.
A responses to a corny pick-up lines.
Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be too, if you sit down.
Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I’m a female impersonator.
Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I’ll go to mine.
Male: Haven’t I seen you some place before?
Female: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Female: Yes, but would you STAY there?
Male: If I saw you naked, I’d die happy.
Female: If I saw you naked, I’d die laughing.
Male: Your body’s like a temple.
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
Q: How is Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
“OLD” IS WHEN…
-An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee!
-Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re
barefoot.
-”Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
-Getting a little “action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people
in this world.
A CARD YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
-”Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with breasts
that are bigger than mine.”
-”Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out
who the father was?”
-”I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed
in Hell until I met you.”
-”If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”
A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers
passed the offering plates.
When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so
that everyone could hear him say, “Don’t pay for me Daddy, I’m under
five.”
In some US cities crime has odd effects. Take Washington DC for example,
there, cabs are so expensive, it’s cheaper to get mugged and wait for
the ambulance.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Q. How can you tell when a boy becomes a man in Afghanistan?
A. When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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