“A man may be a fool and not know it…but not if he is married.”

A matter of perspective
A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his
adventures in the African jungle. “Can you imagine,” he demanded,
“people so primitive that they love to eat the embryo of certain
birds, and slices from the belly of certain animals? And grind up
grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire, then smear
it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid of
certain other animals?”
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer
added softly, “What I’ve been describing, of course, is a breakfast
of bacon and eggs and buttered toast.”

Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they
already know everything.

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

“Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?” she asked the instructor.”

P-U-T-T is correct,” he replied.” P-U-T means to place a thing where
you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing.”

“What does one call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?”

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with

“I wonder if Adam ever said to Eve, “Watch it!
There are plenty more ribs where you came from.”

“You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be
miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.”

Teacher: Well, at least there’s one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What’s that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn’t be cheating.

Seen on the headstone of an atheist, “Here lies an atheist, all
dressed up and no place to go.” [not true... but he probably
doesn't like the accommodations]

My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I’m in a
good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves
a red mark on his forehead!

“Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.”
- Rita Rudner

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a
millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend.
The woman replied, “A billionaire.”

You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
With the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than
to let her keep him.

“Did anyone lost a roll of bills around here with a rubber band
around them?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Well, I’ve found the rubber band.”

During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if
you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we
could fire the maid.”
The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn
how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”