I hope, one day, to live up to my dog’s opinion of me
– Author unknown

People want to say there isn’t racial profiling at the airport, but
let’s be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name
isn’t Ali, arrive at the airport extra early.

You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as
10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late
with a video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster
in charge of immigration.
— Jay Leno

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her
ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since
I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about
the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.”
As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an
attorney. “Only to mow my lawn,” she said.

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked. “Yes, how do you prepare
your chickens?” “Nothing special sir,” he said. “We just tell them
straight out that they’re going to die.”

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before….

If you speak three languages, you’re trilingual.
If you speak two languages, you’re bilingual.
If you speak one language, you’re American.

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s
our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they
mature into something you’d like to have dinner with.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?”
The father replied: “Well, son, you must have gotten it from your
mother, ’cause I still have mine.”

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A boy jumped into a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
He took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door.