When I was born … the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father… I’m very sorry. We did everything we could … but he pulled through.

I’m so ugly… My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.

Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think we’ll ever find them? He said, I don’t know kid … there are so many places they can hide.”

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I’m so ugly… I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I’d get.

I went to see my doctor… Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror … I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me? He said, I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.