FUNNY THOUGHTS:

“Marriage is neither heaven nor hell; it is simply purgatory.”
-Abraham Lincoln

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-Rita Rudner

“When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was just sick.”
-George Burns

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted
by a snobby woman. She takes one look at him and says, “You
sir, are drunk!” He looks back at her and says, “And you
ma’am, are ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

If being overweight is not hereditary then why does it show up in
your jeans?

I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
-Jackie Mason

Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.

“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
- Benny Hill

Because a man is unfaithful to you is no reason to leave him. You
should stay with him and make sure the rest of his life is a living
hell. Roseanne Barr

“I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how often do
you actually spill Scotch on the carpet?” -Unknown

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.
– Author unknown

Speaking of “time,” Is it possible to have dejavu and amnesia
at the same time?

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

What do Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, and Thomas
Jefferson have in common? They were all born on holidays.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

What does a mathematician do about constipation?
He sits down and tries to work it out with a pencil.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch about it.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.