SHORT JOKES….
If you’ve ended up in hell, and you’re mad at someone, where do you
tell them to go?
A cop pulls over a guy.
“Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?”
“Gee, officer,” the man says. “Your eyes are awfully glazed —
have you been eating doughnuts?”
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Want to hear three blonde jokes?
Listen to Hanson
THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS
Inside every older person is a younger person – wondering what the fuck
happened.
Menstruation: A bloody waste of time.
______________________________________
Classics From Montreal Comedy Festival
“Women might be able to fake orgasms; but men can fake whole
relationships.”
- Jimmy Shubert
“I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese
guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to Benetton.
Hey, you never know.”
- Franck Dubosc
(On going to war over religion:) “You’re basically killing
each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.”
- Rich Jeni
“And God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame
everything on Me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t
blame everything on Satan.’”
- John Wing
“What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men
everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’”
- Francois Morency
“The Web brings people together because no matter what kind
of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you’ve got
millions of pals out there. If you type ‘Find people who have
sex with goats that are on fire’, the computer will say,
‘Specify type of goat.’”
- Rich Jeni
“There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an
airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to
meet people who do.”
- Rich Jeni
“My girlfriend always laughs during sex – no matter what
she’s reading.”
- Emo Philips
“My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a
bee – the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.”
- Emo Philips
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I
said, ‘Thyroid problem?’”
- Emo Philips
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that,
you’re in.”
- Rich Jeni
“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” Ren Hicks
“Things you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive
scrotum!’”
- Jeff Green
“I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all mentally ill people
live in poverty. Actually, I’m more intrigued by the 23 per
cent of them who are apparently doing quite well for
themselves.”
- Emo Philips
“My parents lived in a time when the president they loved got
shot in the head. I live in a time when my president gets
head.”
- Elon Gold
“I have discovered that I scream the same way whether I’m
about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of
seaweed touches my foot.”
- Kevin James
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-
a-bitch.”
- Rich Jeni
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely short.
The zoology teacher asked a little Johnny to make a sentence using the
word “possum.”
He answered, “Maw got horny and gave possum.”
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