SHORT JOKES
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo
Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your
willpower.”
Jesus walks into a hotel, slams 3 stakes down on the counter and asks
the desk clerk, “Can you put me up for the night?”
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into
low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot ’round the world.
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, “Jack, you are
spectacular, your name is synonomous with the game of golf. You
really know your way around the course. What is your secret?”
To which Jack replied, “The holes are numbered!”
Two women were at a bar. One said, “You know, eighty percent of
all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love.”
“Well,” said the other, “that will certainly revolutionize the game
of hockey!”
Speaking of Hockey — Andy came to work, limping something awful.
One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old hockey injury that acts
up once in a while.” Josh, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”
Andy, “No I don’t. I hurt it last year when I lost $1,000 on the
Stanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television…”
Q: Are birth control pills tax deductible?
A: Only if they don’t work.
Hear about the guy who played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Q: What do you get when you combine a rooster & an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night!!
The average man’s life consists of twenty years of having his mother
ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the
same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn’t
zigzag?
If a cow laughs real hard, does milk come out her nose?
I’m a bad drinker. I got loaded one night the next day they
picked me up. I was in front of a judge. He said, “You’re here
for drinking.” I said, “O.K., Your Honor, let’s get started.”
With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah,
once in the morning and once at night.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I
should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a
vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My uncle’s dying wish – he
wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave
me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to
the fender and put the deer in the car.
Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I
waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said “Are you
Louise?” She said, “Are you Rodney?” I said, “Yeah.” She said,
“I’m not Louise.”
With the dog I don’t get no respect. He makes me feel like I’m
dirty. He jumps on my bed, and then he smells it for ten minutes
before he lays down on it.
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday
to “the best woman a man ever had.” The waiter joined me.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could
go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.
“You were the inspiration for twin beds.”
“The pot should be good. I got it from a cop.”
“During sex, she used to yell out her own name.”
“One thing about my wife, she gives great headache.”
“I know she does a lot of charity work. She handles all of the
policemen’s balls.”
Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.
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