SHORT JOKES….
“Are you a member of any organized political party?”
“No. I’m a Republican.”
The candidate called his wife and said, “Congratulate me,
I’ve just won the election.”
“Honestly, dear?” she said.
“Now, why would you want to bring that up?” he grumbled.
Fax machines can have a great effect on politicians. Somebody
just sent a fax message to every member of our state
legislature. Each fax message was exactly the same: “The
press has found out everything.” Both houses of the
legislature emptied out within thirty minutes.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. “Are
you hiring any help?” she asked.
“No,” he said, “We already have all the staff we need.”
“Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?”
she asked.
“When I was young,” the woman said, “I used to worry about
where my taxes were going. Now, I worry about where they’re
coming from.”
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.
What does walking a tightrope over the Grand Canyon have in
common with receiving oral sex from Hillary Clinton?
The warning is the same: “For God’s Sake, Don’t Look Down!”
Attorney to witness:
“What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?”
Witness: “Where am I Cathy?”
Attorney: “And why did that upset you?”
Witness: “Because my name is Susan.”
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern
fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time….”
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…”
Whats a Hormone?
The sounds a prostitute makes so you will think that you are a real
good lay.
What’s blonde birth control?
They take off their make-up.
A Washington reporter was awakened by her husband in the
middle of the night. “I think there’s a thief in the house,”
he said.
“No doubt,” she said sleepily. “And there are a handful
in the Senate, too.”
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the
self-help section?” She said if she told me it would defeat the
purpose.
ONE LINERS & BAD PUNS
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
—
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam!”
—
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
—
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
—
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
—
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
—
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
—
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
—
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
—
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a
tree would kill you?
A pool table.
—
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
—
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.
—
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers
—
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
The taste.
—
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra.
—
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more year.
—
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help … after it bites your leg off.
—
What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office?
They’re hiring.
—
The doctor handed her overweight patient a bottle of pills.
“Don’t take these pills,” she said. “Spill them on the floor
three times a day and pick them up one by one.”
“Would you tell our viewers, sir, how you got to be president
of this company?”
“Gladly. I ran into my father at the watercooler one morning. He
took a liking to me and put me in charge of the place.”
“Are you a lawyer?”
“Yes, I am.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A thousand dollars for four questions.”
“Isn’t that pretty steep?”
“Yes, it is. What’s your fourth question?”
Jesus scurried into the carpenters shop and said “Father, did
you call me?” Joseph said, “No, I just hit my thumb with a hammer.”
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Why do girls have cunts?
So guys will talk to them.
A young blonde was asked by a guy who had just made love to her:
“Am I the first guy you ever made love to?”
“You might be,” she replied, “Your face looks familar.”
A guy calls into work and says “Boss I can’t come into work today,
I’m sick.”
His boss asks, how sick are you. The guy says, “I’m at home fucking
my sister how sick is that?”
What did Dan Quayle say when he got back from his honeymoon?
He said with smirk, “I could of fucked her.”
When in Greece, how do you separate the men from the boys?
With a crowbar.
Bob: My wife drives like lightning
Ted: She drives fast?
Bob: No, she hits trees!
She didn’t want to marry him for his money, but she didn’t know
how else to get it.
What does a women in church and a woman in a bath tub have in common?
The woman in church has hope in her soul and the woman in the bath
tub has soap in her hole.
What do you call an open can of tuna in a lesbian’s apartment?
Potpourri.
Q. What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a
dyslexic?
A. Someone who’s up all night wondering if there is a dog.
What is the difference between a 69 and driving in the fog?
When driving in the fog, you can’t see the asshole in front of you.
Two old friends met on the street and one invited the other
to dinner. “We live in apartment 12B,” he said. “Just lean on
the bell with your elbow.”
“Why should I use my elbow?” the other asked.
“You weren’t thinking of coming empty-handed, were you?”
How do you tell if a girl is wearing panty hose?
Her ankles swell when she farts.
How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will drop off a dead body.
What’s the best thing to ever come out of Arkansas?
I-40.
Did you read in the newspaper about the guy that was found
dead in a hot tub full of milk with a banana in his mouth?
They think it’s a serial killer.
So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants.
When he walks up to the bar and orders a drink, the bar tender
says:
“Gee that must be a bit annoying mate”
and the guy replies: “Yeah, its driving me nutts!”
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny, what
are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!”
A doctor, who had told one of his 80-year-old patients, ‘You’ve got
yourself a heart murmur, be careful,’ was amazed to find him dancing
with a scantily clad 18-year-old at a nightclub. ‘What are you
doing?’ asked the doctor. “Taking your advice,” the patient
replied. “Get yourself a hot mama and be cheerful.”
In an interview, Pamela Anderson said that if she were
Hillary, she would leave President Clinton.
In response, Clinton said, “If Pamela Anderson were Hillary,
none of this would have happened in the first place.”
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