1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet
the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk
about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but
not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people
in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you
were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with
yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they’re
listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.
Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat
and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they
go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy
adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest
have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it
still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay
you to do it?
22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot
at them?