RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled ‘All Men Are Idiots’
Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
‘I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I’ll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you’re a total floozy. But, I want
you to know that there’s always a chance for us.’

This is known as the ‘I Hate You I Love You’ drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don’t know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
lie.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men’s magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women’s magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
shouldn’t be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight
of a naked woman’s body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or- less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking,
men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola’s head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction…he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men’s toys: little miniature
TV’s. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six ‘D’ batteries to operate.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn’t
really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that’s it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she’ll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she’s
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl’s night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy’s night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are ‘Pass the
Doritos’ or Got anymore beer?’

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each
other. Women who’ve never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, ‘Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?’

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go
out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Shorty.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Boys will each throw in £20.00, even though it’s
only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the Girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn’t want.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.

NATURAL LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.