Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built
the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just
stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be
changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating-always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers
to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.