A list of phrases to use when you want to be left alone on long flights, at parties, bus rides, at the polo grounds, etc…

* Yeah, I really miss my wife (husband)… but at least I have her skin to remember her by.

* Have you ever tried cat meat?

* I just got out of prison. I’ll bet the kids at the playground really miss me.

* Check out this infected canker sore in my mouth!

* I don’t know why I ate it - liver and onions always gives me gas.

* I just had a proctological exam - wow, worth every penny!

* The last time my head rang like this I woke up with a dead man next to me!

* (man to woman) Hey, could I borrow a tampon?

* I puked on the last person who flew next to me.

* My butt reeeally itches!

* Would you look at the size of the hair I just yanked out of my nose!

* My psychiatrist says that flying helps offset my desire to mutilate small, defenseless, woodland creatures.

* The last guy who ignored me is still on a respirator.

* Would you hold this messy Kleenex for me?

* I stepped in dog shit AGAIN?!

* I haven’t changed my underwear in over two weeks! How about you?

* My mother just told me we can’t sleep together anymore.

* Can you believe they only gave me three years for killing my own sister?!

* Hey, does your urine ever turn blue?

* This cramped fuselage reminds me of solitary.

* Oh damn, my diaper’s wet again!

* If I go unconscious just stick your finger down my throat - that’ll wake me up.

* Boy, that business at Waco was a mess - I got outa there just in time!

* Ya know, since I moved to West Hollywood my gerbil business has really taken off.

* I’ve just been treated for tapeworms.

* Did I tell you Charles Manson’s my uncle?

* I collect aluminum foil.

* Ya know, these days a man can’t hang out with a seven year old boy without being ridiculed by his peers!

* I work in a landfill.

* I remember, not too long ago, when a man could work hard clubbing baby seals all day long and then go home and have a tall, cold one with a clear conscience